At least he didn’t have the weird eyes to deal with Raz frowned in thought.
Awkward... Consult Grammar Nazi? Maybe a semicolon or full stop before Raz?
all it did was cause a lot of light, a smell like burning wood, and messed up Pechal’s eyes.
Tenses wrong. messed should probably be mess.
But Pechal was as swift as nimble as the rabbits
swift AND nimble? ^^
“I don’t know the two of you survived without us.”
know HOW the two
it almost makes up for the fact you’re a lousy hunter.”
Should probably add 'that' after fact. 9.9 Consult Grammar Nazi. ^^
to Ailill, who accepted in with surprise.
in = it? or nix 'with'?
but looking back – you don’t meat.”
don't EAT meat
It show impatience, lack of thought
show = shows, and RARGH! I wanted to know what Ailill turns into!!!! *SULK*
“Spread out!” he threw aside his bowl
He should be capitalized.
Nearby Shinju hurled threats in a language Raz didn’t recognize except that it always spelled trouble for someone.
^_______________^ Niiiice. ;)
Then he didn’t have a chance to do anything but fight, dodging away from a sword, nicked by an arrow.
Conflicting tenses. fight/dodging/nicked. o.@;
a body being hauled along like a trophy by a large white cat. It was long and sinuous, and massive enough it could probably take down a horse just for fun. When it drew closer he could see that it’s eyes were pale brown.
First... OMFG THE CUTENESS!!! LOVELOVELOVELOVE! ^_______^v And second, it's needs to be its. :)
“Get it off me!” Ivan roared, struggling futilely beneath the weight of the cat, unable to get so much as an arm free. He froze as the cat licked his face once, twice, and his protests came out as little more than sputters.
“Do all you Firelanders have rocks for brains?” Ailill demanded. “Where I come from magic is a part of life. Has it occurred to you I might be able to help?”
Ivan opened his mouth, then closed it again. It hadn’t occurred to him.
So. Freaking. CUTE. *_____________*
looming over Ivan again.. “I thought you were
Extraneous punctuation
“Thought it’s gotten to the point I may retire soon.”
point.... where? 9.9 Awkward as-is.
Ailill replied by surging forward, pinning Ivan to the ground and taking his mouth in a kiss that was immediately hard, possessive, and consuming. Nothing hesitant or questioning about it – Ailill simply took what he wanted and expected no problems in getting it.
That appealed, even if most of Ivan’s mind was trying to panic. He ignored it and focused on kissing Ailill back, fighting for dominance, tongue exploring every bit of a mouth that tasted like green things and black tea. Definitely a man’s mouth, so different from the women he made do with.. This was everything he tried not to want every time he slept alone.
“That’ll suffice as a down payment,” Ailill said, breaking away with a gasp. He ducked his head to lap Ivan’s throat, nipping gently at the skin where jaw met neck.
*.* YUMMY. >.> Also double-periods in that second paragraph. ^^;;
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Date: 2006-08-24 02:33 am (UTC)Awkward... Consult Grammar Nazi? Maybe a semicolon or full stop before Raz?
all it did was cause a lot of light, a smell like burning wood, and messed up Pechal’s eyes.
Tenses wrong. messed should probably be mess.
But Pechal was as swift as nimble as the rabbits
swift AND nimble? ^^
“I don’t know the two of you survived without us.”
know HOW the two
it almost makes up for the fact you’re a lousy hunter.”
Should probably add 'that' after fact. 9.9 Consult Grammar Nazi. ^^
to Ailill, who accepted in with surprise.
in = it? or nix 'with'?
but looking back – you don’t meat.”
don't EAT meat
It show impatience, lack of thought
show = shows, and RARGH! I wanted to know what Ailill turns into!!!! *SULK*
“Spread out!” he threw aside his bowl
He should be capitalized.
Nearby Shinju hurled threats in a language Raz didn’t recognize except that it always spelled trouble for someone.
^_______________^ Niiiice. ;)
Then he didn’t have a chance to do anything but fight, dodging away from a sword, nicked by an arrow.
Conflicting tenses. fight/dodging/nicked. o.@;
a body being hauled along like a trophy by a large white cat. It was long and sinuous, and massive enough it could probably take down a horse just for fun. When it drew closer he could see that it’s eyes were pale brown.
First... OMFG THE CUTENESS!!! LOVELOVELOVELOVE! ^_______^v And second, it's needs to be its. :)
“Get it off me!” Ivan roared, struggling futilely beneath the weight of the cat, unable to get so much as an arm free. He froze as the cat licked his face once, twice, and his protests came out as little more than sputters.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! ^___________________^ Ailill rocks. Hardcore.
and moved so that it rest with its head and front paws on Ivan’s chest.
rest = rested
For reply, the cat rubbed his head against Ivan’s leg.
**_______** There are no words for the cuteness that is Ailill-cat and Ivan...
once you’re human again, Highlander” He
Lost punctuation. :)
knives were being driven into him from to time –
from TIME to time
He looked way. “Its none of your concern anyway.”
way = away. THEY ARE SO CUTE!!! *.* *.* *.*
“No, it’s really not,” Ailill replied “But I’m concerned
Lost punctuation
but such things had ever appealed to Ivan.
ever = never
“Do all you Firelanders have rocks for brains?” Ailill demanded. “Where I come from magic is a part of life. Has it occurred to you I might be able to help?”
Ivan opened his mouth, then closed it again. It hadn’t occurred to him.
So. Freaking. CUTE. *_____________*
looming over Ivan again.. “I thought you were
Extraneous punctuation
“Thought it’s gotten to the point I may retire soon.”
point.... where? 9.9 Awkward as-is.
Ailill replied by surging forward, pinning Ivan to the ground and taking his mouth in a kiss that was immediately hard, possessive, and consuming. Nothing hesitant or questioning about it – Ailill simply took what he wanted and expected no problems in getting it.
That appealed, even if most of Ivan’s mind was trying to panic. He ignored it and focused on kissing Ailill back, fighting for dominance, tongue exploring every bit of a mouth that tasted like green things and black tea. Definitely a man’s mouth, so different from the women he made do with.. This was everything he tried not to want every time he slept alone.
“That’ll suffice as a down payment,” Ailill said, breaking away with a gasp. He ducked his head to lap Ivan’s throat, nipping gently at the skin where jaw met neck.
*.* YUMMY. >.> Also double-periods in that second paragraph. ^^;;
.... ARRRRGH!!! INTERRUPTIONS BAD!!!! *FLAIL FLAIL* ;_; *sulk*