All I can say is thank god I didn't start reading this story from day one. I'm glad I waited till you got this far.
Up to this point tho, you're in need of some serious editing. And I don't mean just fixing grammar and whatnot. There is quite a bit of this that needs to be cut out, rearranged and redone. It's a good raw version all things considered. I love the world you've created here which is why I'm reading it. Also I shoud mention this. As u are obviously not ready to give up the secrets of Raz and Dym, u have been much too repetitive of the flashbacks without providing any soluton or info. And the fbs weren't even different.
A good writer gives clues away and leaves the reader to draw his or her own conclusions, be they right or wrong. Not tease them tantalisingly and thenreveal all in one fell swoop. You should be able to unfold the story in your own mind as well as in the book, whether the two versions match or not.
I get the inpression that this story is supposed to be dramatic. Seeing as nothing much really momentous happened so far, save Pechal's sacrifice, and Ivan and Ailill getting together, when you really think about it. But, you need to work on your drama writing skills. if indeed it is what you are going for. also do something with this last chapter. dym's introspection needs work.
as for it being book two of the lost gods, well compared to ur characters in Treasure, the leading men and ladies lack impact and don't quite live up to the standard u sent in bbok one. The plot is spectacuar though. totally in keeping with the universe and i am impressed by your ability to create whole countries and manage them. unfortunately there is no character here that strikes me or who i enjoy reading about, the way nankyo did. now he was a creation of genius.
I hope when i check back in a couple months that the story has played out satisfactorily in the manner you have spent 18 chapters creating, and that it does not disappoint.
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one who has read treasure...
Date: 2006-08-22 06:30 pm (UTC)Up to this point tho, you're in need of some serious editing. And I don't mean just fixing grammar and whatnot. There is quite a bit of this that needs to be cut out, rearranged and redone. It's a good raw version all things considered. I love the world you've created here which is why I'm reading it. Also I shoud mention this. As u are obviously not ready to give up the secrets of Raz and Dym, u have been much too repetitive of the flashbacks without providing any soluton or info. And the fbs weren't even different.
A good writer gives clues away and leaves the reader to draw his or her own conclusions, be they right or wrong. Not tease them tantalisingly and thenreveal all in one fell swoop. You should be able to unfold the story in your own mind as well as in the book, whether the two versions match or not.
I get the inpression that this story is supposed to be dramatic. Seeing as nothing much really momentous happened so far, save Pechal's sacrifice, and Ivan and Ailill getting together, when you really think about it. But, you need to work on your drama writing skills. if indeed it is what you are going for. also do something with this last chapter. dym's introspection needs work.
as for it being book two of the lost gods, well compared to ur characters in Treasure, the leading men and ladies lack impact and don't quite live up to the standard u sent in bbok one. The plot is spectacuar though. totally in keeping with the universe and i am impressed by your ability to create whole countries and manage them. unfortunately there is no character here that strikes me or who i enjoy reading about, the way nankyo did. now he was a creation of genius.
I hope when i check back in a couple months that the story has played out satisfactorily in the manner you have spent 18 chapters creating, and that it does not disappoint.