This undoubtedly makes me a bad Conservative

[maderr]

But I find it funny, anyway. Because being Conserv doesn't mean I have to be one of the asshole ones.



Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination . . . End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding
some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow
them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves,
both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what
do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness -
Leviticus 15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I
know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -
Leviticus.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the
Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put
to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask
the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination - Leviticus 11:10, it is a
lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of
abomination?

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the
altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to
admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have
to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though
this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How
should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin
of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play
football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19
by planting two different crops in the same field, as
does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it
really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them?
Leviticus 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with
people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and
thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so
I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.

Sincerely,
A Grateful Fan

Comments

[raielchan.livejournal.com]

Sweeet.
I once considered myself a conservative, but I came to realize I do not actually fit into any of the political parties.

[sky-dark.livejournal.com]

Amen sister! =D

[goofyrobo.livejournal.com]

huh, that God rules. And I could actually use some female slaves...while being disappointed that I can't get Canadian ones, the Mexican ones are just as hot.

[raielchan.livejournal.com]

Amen, brutha!

[hayama-sb.livejournal.com]

Make sure nothing happens to Alice, since it seems she is worth money!

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Eh, the Mexican ones are more likely to listen to your wifes orders. Damned Candadians.

[doro-chan.livejournal.com]

I saw that a few days ago, it is quite old I think, at least in the original version. It was not written to Bush, though. It was adressed to Dr. Laura (no idea who that is, I am not American).

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Ah, that would explain a bit.

Don't know who Dr. Laura is either. Huh. Interesting.

[neonfrog.livejournal.com]

Dr. Laura is this uber-conservative radio personality that people can call in to get advice. Sort of like Rush Limbaugh, but without all the politics. (There's a running joke that she converted to Judaism because there was MORE rules than Christianity.) Her website.

And yes, you don't know me, but I decided to answer anyway. =)

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the information, oh wise stranger ^_~

[rykaine.livejournal.com]

Let's all note here that we're using religion, the Bible, and God to justify the banning of same sex marriages.

Hello separation of Church and State what?

[neonfrog.livejournal.com]

No problemo, oh fantastic writer whose stories I read over and over again. ^.^

[maderr.livejournal.com]

I thought they only used that to keep prayer out of school.

[rykaine.livejournal.com]

No, that's how they interpret it today. Really it's so that laws of the Church don't take precedence over laws of the State.

When Kennedy was running for president there was a big todo over his being Catholic. People were concerned that he'd turn the Pope for counsel or whatnot before his own cabinet and blah blah. That was a Church/State issue Kennedy had to clarify to appease people.

It doesn't really have shit to do with 'God' being in the pledge of allegiance or with kids praying in school.

It means religion cannot trump the government. We aren't a country governed by religion, and the separation insures that. Start making laws based on the laws of god and I see that as a big problem. Maybe that is a gross interpretation on my part. But then again, it also seems slightly more severe to define a union between two people by using god than it is merely to mention him in some goddamend pledge in public school.

But what would I know? It's not exactly an area I study...

I was trying to be a smartass

[maderr.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I'm not sure what the good ol' boys running the country know what any of that means anymore, except insofar as they can use it to their own ends.

Re: I was trying to be a smartass

[rykaine.livejournal.com]

Thank god. I was sitting here like [fucking thwack].

Sorry to have missed that. [sheepish]

Re: I was trying to be a smartass

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Heh. Sorry to have horrified you. Never fear - I am still a relatively intelligent blonde.

I'll just blame it on the fact that you could probably use a nap.

Re: I was trying to be a smartass

[rykaine.livejournal.com]

Of that there is no doubt, however, at this point I'd just prefer to stay awake, to bed at a decent hour, and then get up and go work breakfast like the DDS tool I am.

Also "forgot" to give payroll that second check. May just go to the bookstore and by more D-son stuff. Maybe get the polo afterall. And I'm sure D would like something. What say you?

Still must walk to Wal*Mart tomorrow and get the rest of BJ's gift. Norg

Apparently will also be finishing my translation project tomorrow.

Stupid vindictive gods...

Re: I was trying to be a smartass

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Heh. Good forgetting. I say buy stuff - so long as you get yourself something.

Mayhap I will call you again, now that I've got more minutes on the phone. ( I think I do, anyway. Lord only knows after this day. I hate when those f'ing gods decide things are funnier on fast forward).

Re: I was trying to be a smartass

[rykaine.livejournal.com]

I keep hoping one day they'll just get bored with me and move on. But so far, that doesn't seem likely to happen.

eh... maybe I'll get me something, maybe I won't. Depends what I spend on others. And I still need funds to finish out BJ. Don't matter. I'm happier buying other people things.

[lemmus-egregius.livejournal.com]

Haha! I love this. I remember seeing it when it was addressed to Dr. Laura.

Ah, good times.

[miikarin.livejournal.com]

That's hilarious!

Ooh... Saint Beast.... I love your icon.

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm, Saint Beast. Not a brilliant anime by any stretch, but oh the potential has me addicted. I have a shitajiki that I just like to pull out and look at (on a scale of one to ten, how sad does that make me? heh)

[miikarin.livejournal.com]

Yes... I can totally agree. *laughs* It's too slashable to resist. Though they really need to work on their fight scenes...

[indigoraven.livejournal.com]

Yes, much amused. Very much amused.