Project rewrite
Jul. 30th, 2006 06:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maderrStories currrently (actively) on the rewrite list are: Treasure (which I have to do, to fix things that are completely wrong now that I've got a better grasp of the whole verse), Paradise, and Embrace (which I might condense to a novella size, else I'll never finish it).
Anyway.
Probably boring as hell since everyone has already read Treasure but eh. The rough for the new prologue:
Despite my love of all the chars, these boys will always be my fav ^_^ So it's fun to write their story in a way that does them justice.
“You summoned me, father?” Prince Nankyokukai asked, bowing politely to his father.
King Taiseiyou scowled at his youngest child. “You’re late.”
“I beg pardon,” Nankyokukai apologized, though there was the faintest hint of mocking disregard in his tone and the faint curve of his lips. “I was delayed in returning to the palace.”
“When were you given permission to leave the palace?”
Nankyokukai quirked a brow, giving up his thin façade of politeness and deference. “It would be rather difficult to attend to all my duties if I stayed closeted in the palace. Sometimes doing things myself is the only way to see they’re done properly. I can hardly keep control of the harbors if I do not even know how to get to them.” His voice was cool, sharp, and he met his father’s angry gaze unflinchingly.
Their ocean blue eyes were exactly the same, a color they shared with all those of royal blood. So too their hair, the same brilliant, stunning blue as their eyes. King Taiseiyou wore his pulled neatly back in a long braid, though jeweled beads were threaded into the strands, sparkling where the sunlight spilling in from the window to his left caught them.
In stark contrast to his father’s severe hairstyle and restrained dress – shades of blue and gray, simple stripes for his sash – Nankyokukai’s hair fell loose to well past his waist, strewn with beads in a dizzying array of colors. His long robe was a bright, summery green, and the turned back collar showed the inside was lined with a paler green and delicate gold, forming a pattern of flowers and leaves. His sash, by contrast, was a brilliant orange, delicate fish embroidered in thread just a few shades lighter. They seemed to move, flow, whenever Nankyokukai shifted or turned. Combined with his hair, the colors should have looked strange if not completely horrid, but with the prince’s almost delicate beauty and the confidence he seemed to radiate, the combination worked.
“Sit down, Kyo,” Taiseiyou said.
“I’d rather stand.”
“You will sit!”
Rolling his eyes, Kyo obediently sat. “To what do I owe the honor of an audience with my noble father?”
“Something of great importance to the family,” Taiseiyou said, “though you are rapidly convincing me I should be intrusting the duty to your sister.”
Kyo sat up, a light flaring in his eyes though he kept his face clear of expression. “You require my assistance with something?”
“Yes, Kyo,” the King said, and he slid forward a book which had been set before him, turned so that Kyo could read it. “This is a journal meticulously kept by our family over a great many years. King after King has recorded vital information in this.
Frowning, confused, Kyo obediently bent over the book, eyes flicking back and forth as he rapidly read faded, scrawling handwriting. If the old words gave him trouble, he gave no indication of it.
Twenty minutes later he looked up at his father, face pale, ocean blue eyes several shades darker than they had been before. “You can’t mean…father…I know we have our disagreements, and that everyone wished I’d vanish, but…surely I don’t deserve this…”
“It is either you or Umiko,” Taiseiyou said implacably. “I cannot spare your brother. Your sister shows promise of marrying into powerful connections abroad someday. You, Kyo, are the most expendable.”
The words were a knife in his gut, his heart.
His father had refuted none of what he’d said.
His father had just called him expendable.
Kyo had thought the beatings administered by his tutors as a child had been the worst thing he could endure. Then, when he’d told his parents, he’d thought nothing could be worse than when they’d told him he must endure it, that he probably deserved it.
He was expendable.
The word echoed in his head, over and over, stabbing him each time.
Kyo drew a breath. “Of course I am ever willing to do my duty by my family and Kundou, father. If your wish is for me to die, then die I shall.”
Taiseiyou nodded. “You have two years before you must leave. I assume that, as your brothers did, you were planning to travel for a little while once you turned twenty.”
“Yes, father.”
“Then instead of whatever you were planning, you will simply take care of this matter.”
Kyo nodded, his fathers plan pouring through his mind as if Taiseiyou had put it there. He would go on his journey, and when he did not return they would simply say that his ship had sunk, or been lost, or that he had died on the journey. Any number of excuses would suffice to explain why the expendable Prince had died during his journey abroad. “How am I to get there, father? I do not think you want any of the royal fleet…”
“Don’t be absurd. That would spread the truth of matters. None but the two of us are to know of this, ever. You would not have taken a royal ship on your journey, why should you take one now? No, go about matters as you ordinarily would have. Do I need to emphasize how important it is that you tell no one the truth of what you are doing?”
“Under the circumstances, father, I think I am permitted one boon.”
Taiseiyou motioned impatiently. “That depends on what you ask.”
“I want Takara to know the truth. I will require his assistance if I am to manage this.”
“Very well,” Taiseiyou said after a long silence. “I see no harm in that. See that he keeps his mouth shut, however.”
Kyo stood up. “Takara is the best secretary in the palace,” he said stiffly. “He does not require my telling him what must be kept secret. If that is all you require of me, I would like to return to my duties.”
“You’re dismissed.”
“Might I take this book with me? And the Ancient Book of Storms? I will need them if I am to be fully prepared.”
Taiseiyou frowned, obviously displeased by the question, but with a grimace he at last nodded. “Very well. But see that they are returned to me when you are finished with them.”
“Yes, father.” Kyo lingered a moment, waiting for his father to say something else.
“I thought you had duties to attend, Kyo.”
Kyo felt his heart break just a little bit more. “Yes, father.” Turning away, Kyo left his father’s study, ignoring everyone that tried to stop him on the way to his own section of the palace.
By the time he reached his office, he no longer felt any pain. Only cold.
The country of Kundou was once much grander than the three small islands that now compose it.
Once it was a massive land that perfectly blended earth and sea, a country where the children of the sea lived peacefully with the children of the land, and all lived under the rule of the Dragons of the Three Storms.
Though they commanded the fierce powers of the oceans and skies, the Dragons loved nothing more than to play with their children, to swim and fly and revel in the wind and water that answered to their will.
Then one day the dragons abruptly turned on their children, on the world. For days Storms raged, destroying much of the land, killing hundreds, thousands. Panicked, the children of the land huddled beneath the earth, hiding themselves from the rage of the Dragons. The children of the sea fled beneath the waves, going deep into the depths of the ocean where even the raging Storms could not reach.
After several days, one man finally grew tired of hiding and determined to brave the Storms. Against all protests, he ventured into the storms. Days passed, and those people who remained thought him lost. But just when they had given up all hope, the Storms began to abate.
Slowly at first, but with ever increasing speed, the winds stilled, the seas calmed, and at last the raging Storms gave way to a cloudless sky and peaceful ocean. As they stumbled from their caves, the people were overjoyed to see that the man who had ventured out still lived.
Except now his hair was the very color of the oceans themselves, a rich, stunning blue, paling the sky as the sun shown down upon him.
The man’s name was Taiseiyou, and overjoyed by his accomplishments the people declared him their new King. Ever since, the Kings of Kundou have taken his name in honor of the man who defeated the traitorous gods and restored peace.
As a promise to the people of Kundou, Taiseiyou the first laid down a spell that would forever keep storms from their kingdom.
To this day, no violent storms ever reach the shores of Kundou, and the people are ruled by those who weild the power of the Storm Dragons, marked by their ocean blue hair and eyes.
Anyway.
Probably boring as hell since everyone has already read Treasure but eh. The rough for the new prologue:
Despite my love of all the chars, these boys will always be my fav ^_^ So it's fun to write their story in a way that does them justice.
Treasure
The first was dark as deepest night, the color of clouds right before the storm breaks free. The second was as blue as the oceans and sky on a cloudless day, brilliant and bright. The last was pale as purest snow, shining like ice beneath a winter sun.
~From the Ancient Book of Storms
Prologue
The first was dark as deepest night, the color of clouds right before the storm breaks free. The second was as blue as the oceans and sky on a cloudless day, brilliant and bright. The last was pale as purest snow, shining like ice beneath a winter sun.
~From the Ancient Book of Storms
Prologue
“You summoned me, father?” Prince Nankyokukai asked, bowing politely to his father.
King Taiseiyou scowled at his youngest child. “You’re late.”
“I beg pardon,” Nankyokukai apologized, though there was the faintest hint of mocking disregard in his tone and the faint curve of his lips. “I was delayed in returning to the palace.”
“When were you given permission to leave the palace?”
Nankyokukai quirked a brow, giving up his thin façade of politeness and deference. “It would be rather difficult to attend to all my duties if I stayed closeted in the palace. Sometimes doing things myself is the only way to see they’re done properly. I can hardly keep control of the harbors if I do not even know how to get to them.” His voice was cool, sharp, and he met his father’s angry gaze unflinchingly.
Their ocean blue eyes were exactly the same, a color they shared with all those of royal blood. So too their hair, the same brilliant, stunning blue as their eyes. King Taiseiyou wore his pulled neatly back in a long braid, though jeweled beads were threaded into the strands, sparkling where the sunlight spilling in from the window to his left caught them.
In stark contrast to his father’s severe hairstyle and restrained dress – shades of blue and gray, simple stripes for his sash – Nankyokukai’s hair fell loose to well past his waist, strewn with beads in a dizzying array of colors. His long robe was a bright, summery green, and the turned back collar showed the inside was lined with a paler green and delicate gold, forming a pattern of flowers and leaves. His sash, by contrast, was a brilliant orange, delicate fish embroidered in thread just a few shades lighter. They seemed to move, flow, whenever Nankyokukai shifted or turned. Combined with his hair, the colors should have looked strange if not completely horrid, but with the prince’s almost delicate beauty and the confidence he seemed to radiate, the combination worked.
“Sit down, Kyo,” Taiseiyou said.
“I’d rather stand.”
“You will sit!”
Rolling his eyes, Kyo obediently sat. “To what do I owe the honor of an audience with my noble father?”
“Something of great importance to the family,” Taiseiyou said, “though you are rapidly convincing me I should be intrusting the duty to your sister.”
Kyo sat up, a light flaring in his eyes though he kept his face clear of expression. “You require my assistance with something?”
“Yes, Kyo,” the King said, and he slid forward a book which had been set before him, turned so that Kyo could read it. “This is a journal meticulously kept by our family over a great many years. King after King has recorded vital information in this.
Frowning, confused, Kyo obediently bent over the book, eyes flicking back and forth as he rapidly read faded, scrawling handwriting. If the old words gave him trouble, he gave no indication of it.
Twenty minutes later he looked up at his father, face pale, ocean blue eyes several shades darker than they had been before. “You can’t mean…father…I know we have our disagreements, and that everyone wished I’d vanish, but…surely I don’t deserve this…”
“It is either you or Umiko,” Taiseiyou said implacably. “I cannot spare your brother. Your sister shows promise of marrying into powerful connections abroad someday. You, Kyo, are the most expendable.”
The words were a knife in his gut, his heart.
His father had refuted none of what he’d said.
His father had just called him expendable.
Kyo had thought the beatings administered by his tutors as a child had been the worst thing he could endure. Then, when he’d told his parents, he’d thought nothing could be worse than when they’d told him he must endure it, that he probably deserved it.
He was expendable.
The word echoed in his head, over and over, stabbing him each time.
Kyo drew a breath. “Of course I am ever willing to do my duty by my family and Kundou, father. If your wish is for me to die, then die I shall.”
Taiseiyou nodded. “You have two years before you must leave. I assume that, as your brothers did, you were planning to travel for a little while once you turned twenty.”
“Yes, father.”
“Then instead of whatever you were planning, you will simply take care of this matter.”
Kyo nodded, his fathers plan pouring through his mind as if Taiseiyou had put it there. He would go on his journey, and when he did not return they would simply say that his ship had sunk, or been lost, or that he had died on the journey. Any number of excuses would suffice to explain why the expendable Prince had died during his journey abroad. “How am I to get there, father? I do not think you want any of the royal fleet…”
“Don’t be absurd. That would spread the truth of matters. None but the two of us are to know of this, ever. You would not have taken a royal ship on your journey, why should you take one now? No, go about matters as you ordinarily would have. Do I need to emphasize how important it is that you tell no one the truth of what you are doing?”
“Under the circumstances, father, I think I am permitted one boon.”
Taiseiyou motioned impatiently. “That depends on what you ask.”
“I want Takara to know the truth. I will require his assistance if I am to manage this.”
“Very well,” Taiseiyou said after a long silence. “I see no harm in that. See that he keeps his mouth shut, however.”
Kyo stood up. “Takara is the best secretary in the palace,” he said stiffly. “He does not require my telling him what must be kept secret. If that is all you require of me, I would like to return to my duties.”
“You’re dismissed.”
“Might I take this book with me? And the Ancient Book of Storms? I will need them if I am to be fully prepared.”
Taiseiyou frowned, obviously displeased by the question, but with a grimace he at last nodded. “Very well. But see that they are returned to me when you are finished with them.”
“Yes, father.” Kyo lingered a moment, waiting for his father to say something else.
“I thought you had duties to attend, Kyo.”
Kyo felt his heart break just a little bit more. “Yes, father.” Turning away, Kyo left his father’s study, ignoring everyone that tried to stop him on the way to his own section of the palace.
By the time he reached his office, he no longer felt any pain. Only cold.
The country of Kundou was once much grander than the three small islands that now compose it.
Once it was a massive land that perfectly blended earth and sea, a country where the children of the sea lived peacefully with the children of the land, and all lived under the rule of the Dragons of the Three Storms.
Though they commanded the fierce powers of the oceans and skies, the Dragons loved nothing more than to play with their children, to swim and fly and revel in the wind and water that answered to their will.
Then one day the dragons abruptly turned on their children, on the world. For days Storms raged, destroying much of the land, killing hundreds, thousands. Panicked, the children of the land huddled beneath the earth, hiding themselves from the rage of the Dragons. The children of the sea fled beneath the waves, going deep into the depths of the ocean where even the raging Storms could not reach.
After several days, one man finally grew tired of hiding and determined to brave the Storms. Against all protests, he ventured into the storms. Days passed, and those people who remained thought him lost. But just when they had given up all hope, the Storms began to abate.
Slowly at first, but with ever increasing speed, the winds stilled, the seas calmed, and at last the raging Storms gave way to a cloudless sky and peaceful ocean. As they stumbled from their caves, the people were overjoyed to see that the man who had ventured out still lived.
Except now his hair was the very color of the oceans themselves, a rich, stunning blue, paling the sky as the sun shown down upon him.
The man’s name was Taiseiyou, and overjoyed by his accomplishments the people declared him their new King. Ever since, the Kings of Kundou have taken his name in honor of the man who defeated the traitorous gods and restored peace.
As a promise to the people of Kundou, Taiseiyou the first laid down a spell that would forever keep storms from their kingdom.
To this day, no violent storms ever reach the shores of Kundou, and the people are ruled by those who weild the power of the Storm Dragons, marked by their ocean blue hair and eyes.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 10:30 pm (UTC)Ahahah, I'd have to go find my kanji book. If I recall, though, Nankyokukai should either arctic or anarctic ocean, and Taiseiyou is either atlantic or pacific. I remember their names were incredibly stupid and cheezy, but at the time they worked. Then they stuck.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 10:38 pm (UTC)Thanks! That reminded me that I must have started reading this before I started studying, or else I would have looked it up. Wow, that was ages ago.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 07:55 pm (UTC)Also, since you posted this, I went back to reread the old prologue, I noticed the king's name has changed from Taiheiyou to Taiseiyou.
I really like this version, and am in general agreement with skylark.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 09:57 pm (UTC)I couldn't remember who was who, only that the King was one and the eldest son the other, and was too lazy to go see.
^_^ Thankee.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-30 11:11 pm (UTC)And poor Kyo. I like how you rewrote it to start it off with giving us a clue as to some of Kyo's angst over going on that trip. *hearts* And I like how you do it without spelling out everything that's to happen. Poor Kyo. *digs a hole in the backyard with which to bury the king after he's been kicked to death by fangirls* ^_^
*twirls you about* I can't wait to see what other changes you make. ^__________^
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 09:58 pm (UTC)^___^ Skylark approval, yay!
It seemed to make more sense to start there. I think you'll like the other changes.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 01:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 09:59 pm (UTC)Pondy's artwork still makes me a million kinds of happy. So so pretty, she did a beautiful job.
Ahaha, thanks. I really only look at the original and cringe. It's getting a rehaul, but the core won't change.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 01:59 am (UTC)Ever since, the Kings of Kundou have taken his name in honor of the man...
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 02:07 am (UTC)Ahahahaha. Thank you. I will fix that now.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 02:26 am (UTC)Oh, and let me say that you are my favorite writer of all time. I religiously check your journal for updates to your stories. ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 10:00 pm (UTC)I hope you like what I do ^_^ I'd hate to wind up ruining a story that's attracted more fans than I ever though it would.
<3 I am not worthy.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 04:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 10:01 pm (UTC)I seriously thought everyone would find it boring. Poetry unwind from a spool is a pretty image, far too pretty for my silly stories.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-31 10:02 pm (UTC)Heh. There is no fluffiness and light without angst ^_~ And thankee, I tend to think I suck at in story quotes like that.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-12 12:37 pm (UTC)i love this version, i can't believe you included that scene!
poor kyo :(
i now have goose bumps.