Ahahahaha.
Mar. 10th, 2007 06:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maderrSo I bought this book some time ago.
Excerpts:
(and fyi 'omt' = Official Management Term, management obviously being the people in charge of Fantasyland)
Armour is, in the opinion of the Management, cheating. This is why it is allowed only to the ARMIES of bad KINGS and MINIONS OF THE DARK LORD, as well as the DARK LORD himself. Warriors of the Dark always wear plate Armour, coloured black, though whether the colour is painted on, stove-blacked on, or intrinsic to the metal is not known. No Tourist should attempt to acquire or wear Armour, unless it is sanctioned by being of special metal, found in a PALACE treasury or DWARVEN FASTNESS, and needed urgently for some special purpose. This Armour will be chainmail of incredible lightness, and it always be, by lucky chance, an exact fit.
GAY MAGE may be one of your COMPANIONS on the Tour. He will be very beautiful and he will dress in gorgeous colours. He will have long hair which may be silver-blond. He will ache with sensitivity (omt). He will not like to fight or to be angry with people. Despite all this, he will be surprisingly strong, competent, and determined, and he will be very good at MAGIC indeed. He will fall in loe while on the Tour and suffer other disasters, but this will not impair his efficienty in the least. You will find him giving you a back rub and aroma-theraphy late in the Tour at some point when he ought to be dead. A valuable Companion.
Namesare very potent in Fantasyland. People with no Names always get killed (unless they are powerfull EVIL and have a Name That Must Not Be Spoken, in which case they get killed anyway but a lot later). Of those who have Names, almost nobody tells anyone else what their Name really is, for fear of its being used in a SPELL to enslave them. MAGIC USERS have to be particularly careful of this. But MERCENARIES also tend to call themselvs things like Bald Eagle or Silversword, presumably for the same reason (or maybe because their true Names are Joe Coward and Jill Doe). MISSING HEIRS are always called Names like Triggs or Dumpling: whent hey find their Names are really Prince Tornalorn or Princess Diore, they stop being Missing. This shows how important Names can be. AVERAGE FOLK, SAGES, and some Tourists, however, adopt the expedient of cutting out half their Names and filling the gaps with APOSTROPHES, as in Ka'a Orto'o. Then, unless you know what was i the gap, you can't enslave them. This is the true reason why so many Names in Fantasyland contain Apostrophes.
Many Folk - ELVES and DEMONS particularly - are given hugely long Names so that they can be conveniently shortened in this way. Demons, indeed, would have a bad time otherwise. As soon as a Magic User learn s a Demon's Name, that Demon has to do anything the Magic User wants.
On some Tours the same prudent coyness applies to MAGIC OBJECTS. The exceptions are SWORDS, who seem very proud of being known to be really Excalibur or Widowmaker.
Sex is obligatory at some stage in the Tour. The Rules differ according to whether or not you are male or female. If male, your partner will be either an every-youthful WITCH or some other beautiful and obliging female, possibly a female SLAVE. In any case you will not be obliged to feel any emotion and no offspring will result. If female, you are required to have strong feelins for your partner, who will usually be worthy of your regard. Again, there will be no offspring. Female Tourists should note that they will not menstruate during the Tour. Both sexes will be glad to know that sexually transmitted disesases are unknown.
Sell also BATH.
SLAVES, MALE,are used by bad KINGS, FANATIC CALIPHATES, and some WIZARDS in large numbers as GUARDS, attendants, fan-bearers, waiters and entertainment, and for SEX. Bad Kings and Fanatic CAliphates always have their male Slaves in matching set, as in a litter borne by four gigantic ebony slaves(omt), fanned by two beautiful young boys (omt), a troupe of slender young acrobats (omt), the door guarded by two seemingly identical Barbarian slaves (omt) etc. A wizard tends to have his Slaves more mismatched but rather more attentive, unless he intends to rule the world, in which case he will try to be like a bad King.
See also EUNUCHS
UNDERWEAR is optional and largely nonexistant. It is believed that some form of loincloth or drawers is sometmes permitted, but the Management is naturally coy on this subject. Bras are certainly unknown, but in the case of dancing girls may be replaced by sequined things with tassels
Unicorns are exceedingly rare. Each one you meet will tell you that it is the last one. Their horns, however, are to be found quite often, and you may use them both for healing and as a magic wand. the rumour that Unicorns still acknowledge VIRGINS is probably false
Excerpts:
(and fyi 'omt' = Official Management Term, management obviously being the people in charge of Fantasyland)
Armour is, in the opinion of the Management, cheating. This is why it is allowed only to the ARMIES of bad KINGS and MINIONS OF THE DARK LORD, as well as the DARK LORD himself. Warriors of the Dark always wear plate Armour, coloured black, though whether the colour is painted on, stove-blacked on, or intrinsic to the metal is not known. No Tourist should attempt to acquire or wear Armour, unless it is sanctioned by being of special metal, found in a PALACE treasury or DWARVEN FASTNESS, and needed urgently for some special purpose. This Armour will be chainmail of incredible lightness, and it always be, by lucky chance, an exact fit.
GAY MAGE may be one of your COMPANIONS on the Tour. He will be very beautiful and he will dress in gorgeous colours. He will have long hair which may be silver-blond. He will ache with sensitivity (omt). He will not like to fight or to be angry with people. Despite all this, he will be surprisingly strong, competent, and determined, and he will be very good at MAGIC indeed. He will fall in loe while on the Tour and suffer other disasters, but this will not impair his efficienty in the least. You will find him giving you a back rub and aroma-theraphy late in the Tour at some point when he ought to be dead. A valuable Companion.
Namesare very potent in Fantasyland. People with no Names always get killed (unless they are powerfull EVIL and have a Name That Must Not Be Spoken, in which case they get killed anyway but a lot later). Of those who have Names, almost nobody tells anyone else what their Name really is, for fear of its being used in a SPELL to enslave them. MAGIC USERS have to be particularly careful of this. But MERCENARIES also tend to call themselvs things like Bald Eagle or Silversword, presumably for the same reason (or maybe because their true Names are Joe Coward and Jill Doe). MISSING HEIRS are always called Names like Triggs or Dumpling: whent hey find their Names are really Prince Tornalorn or Princess Diore, they stop being Missing. This shows how important Names can be. AVERAGE FOLK, SAGES, and some Tourists, however, adopt the expedient of cutting out half their Names and filling the gaps with APOSTROPHES, as in Ka'a Orto'o. Then, unless you know what was i the gap, you can't enslave them. This is the true reason why so many Names in Fantasyland contain Apostrophes.
Many Folk - ELVES and DEMONS particularly - are given hugely long Names so that they can be conveniently shortened in this way. Demons, indeed, would have a bad time otherwise. As soon as a Magic User learn s a Demon's Name, that Demon has to do anything the Magic User wants.
On some Tours the same prudent coyness applies to MAGIC OBJECTS. The exceptions are SWORDS, who seem very proud of being known to be really Excalibur or Widowmaker.
Sex is obligatory at some stage in the Tour. The Rules differ according to whether or not you are male or female. If male, your partner will be either an every-youthful WITCH or some other beautiful and obliging female, possibly a female SLAVE. In any case you will not be obliged to feel any emotion and no offspring will result. If female, you are required to have strong feelins for your partner, who will usually be worthy of your regard. Again, there will be no offspring. Female Tourists should note that they will not menstruate during the Tour. Both sexes will be glad to know that sexually transmitted disesases are unknown.
Sell also BATH.
SLAVES, MALE,are used by bad KINGS, FANATIC CALIPHATES, and some WIZARDS in large numbers as GUARDS, attendants, fan-bearers, waiters and entertainment, and for SEX. Bad Kings and Fanatic CAliphates always have their male Slaves in matching set, as in a litter borne by four gigantic ebony slaves(omt), fanned by two beautiful young boys (omt), a troupe of slender young acrobats (omt), the door guarded by two seemingly identical Barbarian slaves (omt) etc. A wizard tends to have his Slaves more mismatched but rather more attentive, unless he intends to rule the world, in which case he will try to be like a bad King.
See also EUNUCHS
UNDERWEAR is optional and largely nonexistant. It is believed that some form of loincloth or drawers is sometmes permitted, but the Management is naturally coy on this subject. Bras are certainly unknown, but in the case of dancing girls may be replaced by sequined things with tassels
Unicorns are exceedingly rare. Each one you meet will tell you that it is the last one. Their horns, however, are to be found quite often, and you may use them both for healing and as a magic wand. the rumour that Unicorns still acknowledge VIRGINS is probably false
no subject
Date: 2007-03-11 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-11 12:29 am (UTC)It's killing me.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-11 01:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-11 01:12 am (UTC)Oh, lord. Such beautiful timing would have left me dead and still convulsing with laughter.