pretty drivel section two
Apr. 1st, 2007 11:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maderrI apologize for the abrupt cut off. I seriously just finally got sick of it. kitty assures me it's good - but I'm firmly set in the suckage.
*~*~*~*
“Wow! Hareret exclaimed. “It’s part of the mountain!”
Beside him even Tenasuli looked impressed.
The Montserrat Estate was, indeed, carved into the mountain, the stone fronting the great structure a softer shade of gray, looking almost as though the mountain faded as it was drawn out to form the columns and roofing that made up the grand entrance. Massive double doors fronted the entrance, carved with the blazon of a tree with what seemed to be thousands of delicate blossoms, split perfectly down the center where the doors would open.
Jasmine could only focus on the stairs leading up the front entrance, and how very much his leg was already protesting after hours spent either on horseback or cramped in the carriage. He sighed and tried to dredge up what he knew of the Montserrat Estate, unable to ignore the way the twins reacted, the smile on Hareret’s face. “This place was built by and has always belonged to the Montserrat family; it was built, in fact, by the very first men to carry that name in this country. It took them three decades of work to carve out the mountain as necessary and build the front portions. I believe there is both an underground river and hot springs. My brother did not stop speaking of the place after his visit.”
“Your brother is taking a very odd route in order to protect someone.”
“My brother will go to any length to protect those dear to him,” Jasmine said quietly. “I think him mad, but he means well, always.”
“Of course,” Chanda said, smiling faintly. “It is a most admirable trait.”
Jasmine nodded, but before he could speak further the front doors were pulled open and a man strode out.
The smile on the man’s face died abruptly, replaced by an expression of crushing disappointment. “Jasmine.”
“I’d be offended if I didn’t know better than to be,” Jasmine said dryly.
The man immediately looked contrite. “My apologies, Jasmine. It’s just that when I saw you from above, I thought—”
“I can imagine who you thought I was,” Jasmine cut in. His brows lifted. “I thought I would come and hear your version of events. I find the whole impossible to believe.”
If the man had looked disappointed before, he looked utterly devastated now. “I see,” he said softly.
Jasmine frowned. He had not liked his brother’s scheme before…but he wondered if Mandrake fully understood how badly this whole affair was upsetting his friend.
Cherry Montserrat held the post of Vizier for a host of reasons. He was intelligent, quick-witted, likeable, friendly…remarkably unlike a politician yet very good at politics. He managed constantly to balance the desire of the Emperor with the needs of every country under the Empire’s control, dancing carefully between the needs of the country and the demands of the ambassadors. It was no small feat to be Vizier. At only thirty give, Cherry had been in office for three years and looked to be there for some time yet.
That he was good looking hurt nothing. He had dark, blue-black hair bound in a short braid that ended just past his shoulders. His eyes, Jasmine knew, were a dark blue-gray, skin a trifle too pale from spending nearly all his time indoors. That would likely change if Cherry remained in his mountain home for much longer. Slender, but unless things had changed in recent years Jasmine knew Cherry was nigh on religious about his morning and evening constitutions, so the slender build was not indicative of the softness to which so many politicians fell prey.
The Cherry he knew, however, would never have let his emotions show so plainly on his face. More importantly, it was obvious Cherry had been fiercely hoping that Mandrake would come.
Jasmine hoped his brother knew what he was doing.
“You should all come in, please,” Cherry said with a sigh. “I apologize for my behavior.”
Chanda smirked. “Jasmine has us used to odd behavior.”
Cherry stared a moment, than burst out laughing. “Ah, yes. It is commonly believed that Jasmine skipped etiquette lessons to go to the library.” He tilted his head. “I am astonished to see you have taken flesh, Jasmine…” His eyes widened as he took a real look at the twins. “Mercy from above! Are they – they are! Extraordinary. The chances of twin dragons…incredible…I must…” He shook his head. “Please, do come in.” With that, Cherry whirled around, the long lengths of his simple but elegant house robes flying out around him, the blue a perfect compliment to the gray stone surrounding them.
Rolling his eyes, Jasmine motioned for everyone to follow after Cherry, glaring at the hideous stairs.
A hand curled around his upper arm, making him tense before it registered just who would be so bold. He glared at Chanda, who simply smiled back.
“I am fine,” Jasmine replied curtly, snarling when Chanda simply ignored him and helped him up the stairs.
Chanda merely grinned, the slightest hint of his seductive powers slipping into his voice as he spoke. “No doubt I am at least partly to blame for the trouble it is presently causing you, my lord Jasmine – allow me to atone.”
“Whatever,” Jasmine replied, wholly annoyed that he could not seem to quite bring himself to yank free of the tingling touch. Aggravating incubus.
The halls through which they traveled were beautiful – here natural stone, there wood or imported stone, the whole a complex weaving of rooms and hallways, stones carved into the mountain, lights and hangings and draping that gave the impression of being lost in some strange tale.
He pulled away from Chanda once he thought he could trust his leg – and nearly collided with Tenasuli and Hareret when the twins abruptly stopped. “Oh!” Hareret exclaimed. Beside him his brother gave a long, tolerant sigh, but if Hareret noticed he gave no indication.
The focus of Hareret’s attention was a painting which dominated the large sitting room to which Cherry had escorted them, displaying an older woman who looked much like Cherry, with a deep blue dragon curled up at her feet, head in the woman’s lap.
“My mother,” Cherry said, smiling at the dragon’s awestruck expression. “She bought Nila when she was only a girl, and freed her only a few days later. They were friends for life, as I’m sure you can see.”
Hareret and Tenasuli whispered furiously to each other in their native language – too fast for Jasmine to catch all of it, but he caught enough to realize they were debating the blue dragon’s origins – apparently her coloring was uncommon.
He realized suddenly that if he was going to keep twin dragons about the place, he would have to learn more about dragons period. Mentally he began composing a request list to send to his procurer in the city, recalling that he wanted texts on incubi as well. If this strange adventure grew any stranger, his brother would be paying for the new books.
Jasmine was stirred from his thoughts by the twins’ abrupt shift back into a language the rest of the room could understand. “I do not understand why we must all be flesh,” Tenasuli said with a frown. “Obviously everyone is happier when there is no slavery involved.”
Cherry chuckled. “I can see you three are not slaves, that is for certain.” He slid an inquisitive look to Jasmine. “However did you obtain them? I would have thought such beauties would go straight to the Emperor – even if I know for a fact he is not fond of dragons.”
“From what I hear, he has a taste only for humans,” Chanda murmured. “A rather boring man; he would not taste well at all.”
“He would not taste well?” Cherry frowned, tilted his head. “What are you?”
Chanda grinned.
“Behave,” Jasmine said before Chanda could speak, recognizing the glint in those dark red eyes. “He is a halfling incubus.” He nodded to the twins. “Their trainer, ostensibly…but not being inclined toward slavery, I have freed them. They choose to remain with me until something more amusing happens along.”
Cherry laughed softly. “You have found creatures willing to put up with that notorious temper of yours, Jasmine? I would see you held on to them.” He winked at the dragons.
Jasmine rolled his eyes.
“There are things to balance out the temper,” Chanda murmured, his voice making everyone shiver.
“Behave,” Jasmine hissed.
Chanda flashed a mischievous smile but obediently subsided.
Cherry laughed. “I can see that one would only ever listen if he felt like it. No doubt that appeals, hmm?
Jasmine made a face and moved to the chaise by the fire, leg screaming for relief. “I did not know I was the one being put to an inquiry.”
“Yes,” Cherry’s levity abruptly died, replaced by a sad bitterness. “I guess that would be me, yes? Though I do not care, not if…”
“Cherry…” Jasmine sighed, wishing he could have done with the charade – but he did not doubt for a moment that Cherry would immediately run back to the palace to beat Mandrake senseless and address the problem in his own fashion. Jasmine had agreed to keep Cherry safe in his mountain home, and that he would do. “My brother is an idiot, he will come around. For now – tell me your version of events.”
Cherry sighed and crossed to sit in a chair near the chaise Jasmine had commandeered. “Your faith in your brother is as endearing as your temper is fearsome, Jasmine. I suppose that my devotion would run just as deep in your position…”
“Yes,” Jasmine said curtly. “Yet I know your devotion does run as deep.”
“I thought it ran both ways.” Cherry stood up and shook his head. “I am not in the mood to discuss this, and I have no doubt it will become a long tale. You four must be exhausted; the journey here is no small feat. I will have food sent, and your rooms are beyond those doors.” He pointed to the three doors along the back wall. “Eat, rest, and tour the place if you like. If there is anything you require, simply ask the servants. If you insist on addressing the matter, Jasmine, we will perhaps speak on the morrow.”
Jasmine nodded. “At your leisure, Cherry.” He hesitated, then finally spoke. “All will end well, Cherry.”
“I doubt it, but thank you,” Cherry replied with a sad smile. “I bid you a good evening.”
The door closed behind him, leaving the group alone.
“The deception is hurting him,” Tenasuli said with severe disapproval.
Jasmine grimaced. “All will end well. My brother would not hurt him so if he did not feel it necessary.”
Tenasuli’s tail lashed, snapping occasionally into the air as if striking some unseen foe. “I am going to learn the territory.” He looked at his brother expectantly.
“I will stay here and learn more from Jasmine,” Hareret said.
“Fine,” Tenasuli said with a low growl.
Chanda grinned. “I would like to learn the lay of the land.”
“Behave while you do it,” Jasmine said dryly.
“If you insist,” Chanda said with a long sigh. “I shall expect dessert with dinner, however.”
Jasmine rolled his eyes and did not deign to reply. “Move that trunk to the desk first, if you please,” he said indicating the small trunk that carried the books he had brought with him – three originals and the various translations of them on which he was working.
Hareret immediately moved to obey and with a long-suffering look Tenasuli helped his brother move the heavy case to the desk.
“Thank you,” Jasmine said, then steeled himself to move. The work would distract from the pain until it subsided enough he could eat.
Chanda’s brows went up.
“If you say a single word about what I should or should not be doing, incubus, you will be given a very poor dinner,” Jasmine said sharply, and Chanda’s mouth closed with a snap.
“He is right though,” Hareret said with a frown. “You are obviously in pain; moving it will help nothing. Tenasuli was the same way when he broke his arm as a boy. I barely got him to listen to me.”
Tenasuli grimaced. “You ignored me for three whole days!”
“I can’t believe it took you three days to see reason,” Hareret retorted.
“I could have managed it just fine,” Tenasuli muttered.
Jasmine bit back an urge to ask what ‘it’ was, sensing he’d get no answer, or that Hareret would answer and Tenasuli would get truly angry. Besides, watching them bicker was strangely fascinating. He caught Chanda’s eyes, lips quirking briefly in response to the grin on the incubus’ face. “Enough,” he finally cut in, when the bickering threatened to become full out war. “Tenasuli, explore the grounds and see if you can’t lose Chanda somewhere.”
Chanda snickered and dragged Tenasuli away before he could refuse the command.
“He’s stubborn,” Hareret said into the sudden silence. “I think he would walk on a broken leg just because he was told not to…”
Jasmine snorted. “As I know full well I would do the same, I can hardly fault him.” He braced one hand on the chaise, gripping his cane tightly with the other – only to find two hands planted firmly on his chest, holding him down with a startling strength.
He looked up to glare at Hareret – startled into silence by the fierceness of the gaze matching his. “I am perfectly fine.”
“You are the same as Tena,” Hareret said stubbornly, and Jasmine caught himself wondering just who precisely would be more…commanding as the twins grew fully into their maturity. He ignored the voice reminding him that according to dragon culture, they were fully mature. “Let me help like I did before”
Jasmine grimaced. “I do not see why it matters to anyone, but do as you like.”
“We are in your debt,” Hareret said calmly.
“That is why you are helping Cherry,” Jasmine pointed out.
Hareret merely shrugged and moved to a lamp burning on the desk where Jasmine very much wished to be working. “There is no fire here.”
“It would be difficult to make fireplaces. They pipe hot water from the springs to keep the rooms warm.”
“That is no good,” Hareret grumbled, then stuck one hand into the small flame of the lantern. The flame licked at his skin, almost seemed to caress it, and at a low growling sound from Hareret grew in strength until both his hands seemed to be on fire – yet Hareret stood there calmly, watching the flames with a pensive frown.
Another growling sound and they abruptly died. Hareret flexed his hands experimentally, then crossed back to Jasmine. “I am still learning to judge the proper amount of heat,” he said slowly. “Tell me if it is too great or not enough.”
Jasmine grunted as the heat struck his leg, a contrast to the gentle touch of the hands containing the heat. He could not help a soft sigh as the heat began to do its work, relaxing the ruined muscles he had pushed too far in recent days.
“It is sufficient?” Hareret asked.
“Yes,” Jasmine said. He opened his eyes. “Thank you. Such things are not necessary; you need not do them.”
Hareret smiled. “It is no trouble. What sort of work were you going to do this evening?”
Jasmine accepted the change of topic gratefully. “I was translating some histories and folktales. They can be hard because so much of the wording is unique to the regions where the stories developed – they have no equal in the Master Languages, let alone other minor languages.”
“Do you know our language?” Hareret asked.
“What?” Jasmine asked, distracted by the way Hareret had begun slowly to knead the sore muscles. “Ah – only a bit of it. Dragon is hard to master, without a regular tutor. I have only my early lessons, before I retired to my tower.”
Hareret nodded, clearly lost in thought.
Jasmine did not break the silence, more than content to enjoy the soothing ministrations to his leg even as he wanted to deny needing it. He was beginning to see why Hareret was the one in charge.
When Hareret’s hands finally faded away, Jasmine barely kept himself from protesting. Disgusted with his own behavior, he still could not bring himself to move away. “Thank you,” he said again.
Hareret shrugged, but smiled.
Jasmine struggled for something to say. “So what will you and Tenasuli do when you return home?”
“Finish our journey,” Hareret said. “We were nearly finished…”
“So what becomes of a dragon after he completes his journey?” Jasmine asked. “I confess I know very little about your race; it is frustratingly closed mouth – even those enslaved never say much.”
Hareret growled. “Perhaps because it is hard to talk when muzzled.”
“There is that,” Jasmine conceded. “Though they might not have done that if Tenasuli was not trying to bit everyone.”
Hareret laughed. “I think they were tired of him talking, actually. Tenasuli can be vocal when he is truly riled.”
“Somehow I believe that,” Jasmine said dryly. “Any pretty dragons waiting back home for your return?”
The laughter faded, a sad resignation Jasmine recognized all too well. “No.” He shrugged. “Dragons believe that every person is simply half of a whole…”
Jasmine nodded. “A belief common to many cultures. I can think of at least a dozen…”
Hareret shook his head. “Except that as we were born together, of the same egg and hearts that beat together…we are whole. Complete. We need no other.” He looked down, staring at our hands. “We have tried to accept that our whole life, and had hoped our journey…”
“I see,” Jasmine said quietly, seeing very clearly indeed.
“We love each other dearly, we do, and want never to be apart…” Hareret looked up, expression anxious, guilt-stricken. “Still, we always wished there might be someone else someday.”
Jasmine could not help but be fascinated by such an odd cultural twist – incest was not looked up favorably by very many countries. Even with the Empire itself, only amongst flesh was such a thing tolerated. That the dragons would literally expect it of twins…quite intriguing.
But no doubt quite hard on two boys who were informed from birth that they were whole and would never need anyone else…only to feel quite the opposite as they grew. “One would think you’d be glad to be out of your country, then.”
“Not as slaves, and we loved our homeland,” Hareret said quietly, pale eyes bright and fierce with emotion. “We had hoped to find someone to understand us, on our journey.”
Jasmine reacted without thinking, reaching out to stroke Hareret’s long hair. “Understanding is a hard thing to find. Most people search their whole lives and never find it – but that is no reason to give up. I am sorry to be party to waylaying your journey.”
“You understand!” Hareret said, the words bursting out. He moved restlessly, shifting up to his knees, bracing himself on the chaise, far closer than Jasmine really wanted him to be. “No one did back home! No one. But you do – I can see it in your face.”
Letting his hand move from the soft hair to the smooth skin of one cheek, Jasmine sighed. “Perhaps – but that doesn’t meant I’m what you’re looking for.” He let his hand falling away, knowing he never should have touched the dragon in the first place. “Trust me, I am most certainly not what you’re looking for.”
“How do you know you’re not?”
“How do you know I am?” Jasmine snapped, feeling like a child arguing so but unable to help it. An eighteen year old had no business sounding like he knew what he was talking about in such matters.
A stubborn look overtook Hareret’s face and realization dawned a moment too late, and Jasmine suddenly found himself with a lapful of dragon and a hot mouth taking his with entirely too much boldness. Unfortunately, it was immediately apparent that Hareret knew how to kiss.
Picturing the pretty dragon practicing kissing with his brother helped not at all.
Jasmine moved to shove the dragon off, but his traitorous hands instead simply pulled the troublemaker closer, smoothing over the warm scales, such a startling but so very fine contrast to the smooth skin of his stomach and chest. If dragons were immune to the harmful effects of fire, it must be because they were made of flames. Hareret’s mouth burned against his and Jasmine struggled not to make any sort of encouraging noise because he was not supposed to be kissing a dragon who was barely of age never mind indicating more would be acceptable.
Because it wouldn’t. Not at all.
A moan finally broke free as Hareret continued to prove just how fine a kisser he was, taking full possession of Jasmine’s mouth. When he finally forced himself to resist, Jasmine discovered only that the dragon was a great deal stronger than he looked.
Furious snarls broke the kiss, and Jasmine gasped for breath, shaking his head as he turned to see Tenasuli stalking toward them in a furious rage. Whatever Jasmine had been expecting – something involving himself receiving a great deal of pain seeming the likeliest – Hareret throwing himself at his angry brother and kissing him soundly was not on the list of possibilities.
Chanda was laughing as he joined them by the chaise. “All these kisses and none for me.” He sat down on the chaise and leaned over Jasmine, smirking briefly right before claiming his mouth, taking a slow, thorough kiss. Jasmine could feel the slight tingle that was the incubus feeding – lightly, though, as if nibbling at a small snack.
When they finally broke apart, Jasmine was not surprised to see Hareret sitting on Tenasuli, who wore an expression of petulant defeat.
“This is getting ridiculous,” Jasmine said. “For a group tired of being part of the flesh market, you’re being remarkably quick to get amorous.”
Chanda rolled his eyes. “I never once said I was disinterested in amorous relations.”
“They did!” Jasmine snapped. “Nor was I seeking them myself.”
“You’re getting close to saying unpleasant things again,” Chanda said slowly.
Jasmine sighed and dragged a hand down his face. “You three are here to help me protect Cherry until Mandrake says it is safe for him to return. I do not see where in there is room for the sorts of things they were snarling about not wanting to do! Never mind that this sort of thing hardly constitutes protecting Cherry.”
Tenasuli growled low. “Exactly.” He glared at his brother. “Stop it.”
“But Tena!” Hareret gave a low, agitated growl of his own. “He understands! And doesn’t he smell much better now?” He leaned down until their noses were touching. “Doesn’t he taste good?”
“You would turn us into flesh?” Tenasuli asked.
Hareret drew back and shook his head. “No, I would not. But he and Chanda are exactly what we are looking for, right? Can’t we give it a chance?”
“No!” Tenasuli snarled, finally throwing his brother off, breathing heavily with anger. “You are too quick to decide things, Hareret. I won’t let you have your way on this. It’s stupid and childish, not something an adult would do! Stop being so impulsive. If you hadn’t been before, we’d still be home and not stuck protecting strangers who mean nothing!” Tail lashing furiously, scales pitch black instead of opalescent and shining, Tenasuli turned and all but ran from the room.
On the floor, lying in an awkward heap from when he’d been thrown off, Hareret gave a low, mewling sound that made Jasmine ache. Slowly the dragon picked himself up, curling up with knees drawn to his chest, scales dull and flat, tail a dead weight on the floor. “He’s never said all that before.”
Chanda sighed softly and moved to the dragon’s side. “Well, pretty, you did rather force him to deal with an awful lot awfully fast. Are you always so quick to change your mind, to settle on things?”
“The Elders say I’m too impulsive for my own good,” Hareret said sadly. “But that’s why I have Tena. He’s never called me stupid and childish before.” He pulled away when Chanda tried to touch him. “I’m going to bed. Sorry to cause problems.” Not looking at anyone, tail dragging as he left, Hareret vanished into the nearest door.
Jasmine sighed. “Mature for their years, but still very obviously young.”
Chanda snorted and resumed his place on the edge of the chaise. “Hardly. You yelled at me in much the same fashion before.”
“I do not yell like an angry and frightened eighteen year old,” Jasmine snapped.
“If you say so,” Chanda said with a smirk, catching Jasmine’s arm before he could swing his cane at the bastard’s head. His levity faded. “Should one of us go find Tenasuli?”
Jasmine grunted. “I will go find him. See if you can’t do something about Hareret. I do not need sulking dragons on top of everything else.” Sighing, he slowly stood and made his way to the door.
“He probably went toward Cherry’s suite,” Chanda called after him, rattling off directions.
Nodding tersely, Jasmine left the room and made his way through the dark halls.
Following Chanda’s directions, he quickly came across the angry dragon exactly where Chanda said he would be – prowling the area in front of what was clearly the master suite. The wide double doors matched those that fronted the manor, right down to the tree carved into it.
“I think, Tenasuli, that you are the one who will be apologizing this time.”
Tenasuli growled.
*~*~*~*
“Wow! Hareret exclaimed. “It’s part of the mountain!”
Beside him even Tenasuli looked impressed.
The Montserrat Estate was, indeed, carved into the mountain, the stone fronting the great structure a softer shade of gray, looking almost as though the mountain faded as it was drawn out to form the columns and roofing that made up the grand entrance. Massive double doors fronted the entrance, carved with the blazon of a tree with what seemed to be thousands of delicate blossoms, split perfectly down the center where the doors would open.
Jasmine could only focus on the stairs leading up the front entrance, and how very much his leg was already protesting after hours spent either on horseback or cramped in the carriage. He sighed and tried to dredge up what he knew of the Montserrat Estate, unable to ignore the way the twins reacted, the smile on Hareret’s face. “This place was built by and has always belonged to the Montserrat family; it was built, in fact, by the very first men to carry that name in this country. It took them three decades of work to carve out the mountain as necessary and build the front portions. I believe there is both an underground river and hot springs. My brother did not stop speaking of the place after his visit.”
“Your brother is taking a very odd route in order to protect someone.”
“My brother will go to any length to protect those dear to him,” Jasmine said quietly. “I think him mad, but he means well, always.”
“Of course,” Chanda said, smiling faintly. “It is a most admirable trait.”
Jasmine nodded, but before he could speak further the front doors were pulled open and a man strode out.
The smile on the man’s face died abruptly, replaced by an expression of crushing disappointment. “Jasmine.”
“I’d be offended if I didn’t know better than to be,” Jasmine said dryly.
The man immediately looked contrite. “My apologies, Jasmine. It’s just that when I saw you from above, I thought—”
“I can imagine who you thought I was,” Jasmine cut in. His brows lifted. “I thought I would come and hear your version of events. I find the whole impossible to believe.”
If the man had looked disappointed before, he looked utterly devastated now. “I see,” he said softly.
Jasmine frowned. He had not liked his brother’s scheme before…but he wondered if Mandrake fully understood how badly this whole affair was upsetting his friend.
Cherry Montserrat held the post of Vizier for a host of reasons. He was intelligent, quick-witted, likeable, friendly…remarkably unlike a politician yet very good at politics. He managed constantly to balance the desire of the Emperor with the needs of every country under the Empire’s control, dancing carefully between the needs of the country and the demands of the ambassadors. It was no small feat to be Vizier. At only thirty give, Cherry had been in office for three years and looked to be there for some time yet.
That he was good looking hurt nothing. He had dark, blue-black hair bound in a short braid that ended just past his shoulders. His eyes, Jasmine knew, were a dark blue-gray, skin a trifle too pale from spending nearly all his time indoors. That would likely change if Cherry remained in his mountain home for much longer. Slender, but unless things had changed in recent years Jasmine knew Cherry was nigh on religious about his morning and evening constitutions, so the slender build was not indicative of the softness to which so many politicians fell prey.
The Cherry he knew, however, would never have let his emotions show so plainly on his face. More importantly, it was obvious Cherry had been fiercely hoping that Mandrake would come.
Jasmine hoped his brother knew what he was doing.
“You should all come in, please,” Cherry said with a sigh. “I apologize for my behavior.”
Chanda smirked. “Jasmine has us used to odd behavior.”
Cherry stared a moment, than burst out laughing. “Ah, yes. It is commonly believed that Jasmine skipped etiquette lessons to go to the library.” He tilted his head. “I am astonished to see you have taken flesh, Jasmine…” His eyes widened as he took a real look at the twins. “Mercy from above! Are they – they are! Extraordinary. The chances of twin dragons…incredible…I must…” He shook his head. “Please, do come in.” With that, Cherry whirled around, the long lengths of his simple but elegant house robes flying out around him, the blue a perfect compliment to the gray stone surrounding them.
Rolling his eyes, Jasmine motioned for everyone to follow after Cherry, glaring at the hideous stairs.
A hand curled around his upper arm, making him tense before it registered just who would be so bold. He glared at Chanda, who simply smiled back.
“I am fine,” Jasmine replied curtly, snarling when Chanda simply ignored him and helped him up the stairs.
Chanda merely grinned, the slightest hint of his seductive powers slipping into his voice as he spoke. “No doubt I am at least partly to blame for the trouble it is presently causing you, my lord Jasmine – allow me to atone.”
“Whatever,” Jasmine replied, wholly annoyed that he could not seem to quite bring himself to yank free of the tingling touch. Aggravating incubus.
The halls through which they traveled were beautiful – here natural stone, there wood or imported stone, the whole a complex weaving of rooms and hallways, stones carved into the mountain, lights and hangings and draping that gave the impression of being lost in some strange tale.
He pulled away from Chanda once he thought he could trust his leg – and nearly collided with Tenasuli and Hareret when the twins abruptly stopped. “Oh!” Hareret exclaimed. Beside him his brother gave a long, tolerant sigh, but if Hareret noticed he gave no indication.
The focus of Hareret’s attention was a painting which dominated the large sitting room to which Cherry had escorted them, displaying an older woman who looked much like Cherry, with a deep blue dragon curled up at her feet, head in the woman’s lap.
“My mother,” Cherry said, smiling at the dragon’s awestruck expression. “She bought Nila when she was only a girl, and freed her only a few days later. They were friends for life, as I’m sure you can see.”
Hareret and Tenasuli whispered furiously to each other in their native language – too fast for Jasmine to catch all of it, but he caught enough to realize they were debating the blue dragon’s origins – apparently her coloring was uncommon.
He realized suddenly that if he was going to keep twin dragons about the place, he would have to learn more about dragons period. Mentally he began composing a request list to send to his procurer in the city, recalling that he wanted texts on incubi as well. If this strange adventure grew any stranger, his brother would be paying for the new books.
Jasmine was stirred from his thoughts by the twins’ abrupt shift back into a language the rest of the room could understand. “I do not understand why we must all be flesh,” Tenasuli said with a frown. “Obviously everyone is happier when there is no slavery involved.”
Cherry chuckled. “I can see you three are not slaves, that is for certain.” He slid an inquisitive look to Jasmine. “However did you obtain them? I would have thought such beauties would go straight to the Emperor – even if I know for a fact he is not fond of dragons.”
“From what I hear, he has a taste only for humans,” Chanda murmured. “A rather boring man; he would not taste well at all.”
“He would not taste well?” Cherry frowned, tilted his head. “What are you?”
Chanda grinned.
“Behave,” Jasmine said before Chanda could speak, recognizing the glint in those dark red eyes. “He is a halfling incubus.” He nodded to the twins. “Their trainer, ostensibly…but not being inclined toward slavery, I have freed them. They choose to remain with me until something more amusing happens along.”
Cherry laughed softly. “You have found creatures willing to put up with that notorious temper of yours, Jasmine? I would see you held on to them.” He winked at the dragons.
Jasmine rolled his eyes.
“There are things to balance out the temper,” Chanda murmured, his voice making everyone shiver.
“Behave,” Jasmine hissed.
Chanda flashed a mischievous smile but obediently subsided.
Cherry laughed. “I can see that one would only ever listen if he felt like it. No doubt that appeals, hmm?
Jasmine made a face and moved to the chaise by the fire, leg screaming for relief. “I did not know I was the one being put to an inquiry.”
“Yes,” Cherry’s levity abruptly died, replaced by a sad bitterness. “I guess that would be me, yes? Though I do not care, not if…”
“Cherry…” Jasmine sighed, wishing he could have done with the charade – but he did not doubt for a moment that Cherry would immediately run back to the palace to beat Mandrake senseless and address the problem in his own fashion. Jasmine had agreed to keep Cherry safe in his mountain home, and that he would do. “My brother is an idiot, he will come around. For now – tell me your version of events.”
Cherry sighed and crossed to sit in a chair near the chaise Jasmine had commandeered. “Your faith in your brother is as endearing as your temper is fearsome, Jasmine. I suppose that my devotion would run just as deep in your position…”
“Yes,” Jasmine said curtly. “Yet I know your devotion does run as deep.”
“I thought it ran both ways.” Cherry stood up and shook his head. “I am not in the mood to discuss this, and I have no doubt it will become a long tale. You four must be exhausted; the journey here is no small feat. I will have food sent, and your rooms are beyond those doors.” He pointed to the three doors along the back wall. “Eat, rest, and tour the place if you like. If there is anything you require, simply ask the servants. If you insist on addressing the matter, Jasmine, we will perhaps speak on the morrow.”
Jasmine nodded. “At your leisure, Cherry.” He hesitated, then finally spoke. “All will end well, Cherry.”
“I doubt it, but thank you,” Cherry replied with a sad smile. “I bid you a good evening.”
The door closed behind him, leaving the group alone.
“The deception is hurting him,” Tenasuli said with severe disapproval.
Jasmine grimaced. “All will end well. My brother would not hurt him so if he did not feel it necessary.”
Tenasuli’s tail lashed, snapping occasionally into the air as if striking some unseen foe. “I am going to learn the territory.” He looked at his brother expectantly.
“I will stay here and learn more from Jasmine,” Hareret said.
“Fine,” Tenasuli said with a low growl.
Chanda grinned. “I would like to learn the lay of the land.”
“Behave while you do it,” Jasmine said dryly.
“If you insist,” Chanda said with a long sigh. “I shall expect dessert with dinner, however.”
Jasmine rolled his eyes and did not deign to reply. “Move that trunk to the desk first, if you please,” he said indicating the small trunk that carried the books he had brought with him – three originals and the various translations of them on which he was working.
Hareret immediately moved to obey and with a long-suffering look Tenasuli helped his brother move the heavy case to the desk.
“Thank you,” Jasmine said, then steeled himself to move. The work would distract from the pain until it subsided enough he could eat.
Chanda’s brows went up.
“If you say a single word about what I should or should not be doing, incubus, you will be given a very poor dinner,” Jasmine said sharply, and Chanda’s mouth closed with a snap.
“He is right though,” Hareret said with a frown. “You are obviously in pain; moving it will help nothing. Tenasuli was the same way when he broke his arm as a boy. I barely got him to listen to me.”
Tenasuli grimaced. “You ignored me for three whole days!”
“I can’t believe it took you three days to see reason,” Hareret retorted.
“I could have managed it just fine,” Tenasuli muttered.
Jasmine bit back an urge to ask what ‘it’ was, sensing he’d get no answer, or that Hareret would answer and Tenasuli would get truly angry. Besides, watching them bicker was strangely fascinating. He caught Chanda’s eyes, lips quirking briefly in response to the grin on the incubus’ face. “Enough,” he finally cut in, when the bickering threatened to become full out war. “Tenasuli, explore the grounds and see if you can’t lose Chanda somewhere.”
Chanda snickered and dragged Tenasuli away before he could refuse the command.
“He’s stubborn,” Hareret said into the sudden silence. “I think he would walk on a broken leg just because he was told not to…”
Jasmine snorted. “As I know full well I would do the same, I can hardly fault him.” He braced one hand on the chaise, gripping his cane tightly with the other – only to find two hands planted firmly on his chest, holding him down with a startling strength.
He looked up to glare at Hareret – startled into silence by the fierceness of the gaze matching his. “I am perfectly fine.”
“You are the same as Tena,” Hareret said stubbornly, and Jasmine caught himself wondering just who precisely would be more…commanding as the twins grew fully into their maturity. He ignored the voice reminding him that according to dragon culture, they were fully mature. “Let me help like I did before”
Jasmine grimaced. “I do not see why it matters to anyone, but do as you like.”
“We are in your debt,” Hareret said calmly.
“That is why you are helping Cherry,” Jasmine pointed out.
Hareret merely shrugged and moved to a lamp burning on the desk where Jasmine very much wished to be working. “There is no fire here.”
“It would be difficult to make fireplaces. They pipe hot water from the springs to keep the rooms warm.”
“That is no good,” Hareret grumbled, then stuck one hand into the small flame of the lantern. The flame licked at his skin, almost seemed to caress it, and at a low growling sound from Hareret grew in strength until both his hands seemed to be on fire – yet Hareret stood there calmly, watching the flames with a pensive frown.
Another growling sound and they abruptly died. Hareret flexed his hands experimentally, then crossed back to Jasmine. “I am still learning to judge the proper amount of heat,” he said slowly. “Tell me if it is too great or not enough.”
Jasmine grunted as the heat struck his leg, a contrast to the gentle touch of the hands containing the heat. He could not help a soft sigh as the heat began to do its work, relaxing the ruined muscles he had pushed too far in recent days.
“It is sufficient?” Hareret asked.
“Yes,” Jasmine said. He opened his eyes. “Thank you. Such things are not necessary; you need not do them.”
Hareret smiled. “It is no trouble. What sort of work were you going to do this evening?”
Jasmine accepted the change of topic gratefully. “I was translating some histories and folktales. They can be hard because so much of the wording is unique to the regions where the stories developed – they have no equal in the Master Languages, let alone other minor languages.”
“Do you know our language?” Hareret asked.
“What?” Jasmine asked, distracted by the way Hareret had begun slowly to knead the sore muscles. “Ah – only a bit of it. Dragon is hard to master, without a regular tutor. I have only my early lessons, before I retired to my tower.”
Hareret nodded, clearly lost in thought.
Jasmine did not break the silence, more than content to enjoy the soothing ministrations to his leg even as he wanted to deny needing it. He was beginning to see why Hareret was the one in charge.
When Hareret’s hands finally faded away, Jasmine barely kept himself from protesting. Disgusted with his own behavior, he still could not bring himself to move away. “Thank you,” he said again.
Hareret shrugged, but smiled.
Jasmine struggled for something to say. “So what will you and Tenasuli do when you return home?”
“Finish our journey,” Hareret said. “We were nearly finished…”
“So what becomes of a dragon after he completes his journey?” Jasmine asked. “I confess I know very little about your race; it is frustratingly closed mouth – even those enslaved never say much.”
Hareret growled. “Perhaps because it is hard to talk when muzzled.”
“There is that,” Jasmine conceded. “Though they might not have done that if Tenasuli was not trying to bit everyone.”
Hareret laughed. “I think they were tired of him talking, actually. Tenasuli can be vocal when he is truly riled.”
“Somehow I believe that,” Jasmine said dryly. “Any pretty dragons waiting back home for your return?”
The laughter faded, a sad resignation Jasmine recognized all too well. “No.” He shrugged. “Dragons believe that every person is simply half of a whole…”
Jasmine nodded. “A belief common to many cultures. I can think of at least a dozen…”
Hareret shook his head. “Except that as we were born together, of the same egg and hearts that beat together…we are whole. Complete. We need no other.” He looked down, staring at our hands. “We have tried to accept that our whole life, and had hoped our journey…”
“I see,” Jasmine said quietly, seeing very clearly indeed.
“We love each other dearly, we do, and want never to be apart…” Hareret looked up, expression anxious, guilt-stricken. “Still, we always wished there might be someone else someday.”
Jasmine could not help but be fascinated by such an odd cultural twist – incest was not looked up favorably by very many countries. Even with the Empire itself, only amongst flesh was such a thing tolerated. That the dragons would literally expect it of twins…quite intriguing.
But no doubt quite hard on two boys who were informed from birth that they were whole and would never need anyone else…only to feel quite the opposite as they grew. “One would think you’d be glad to be out of your country, then.”
“Not as slaves, and we loved our homeland,” Hareret said quietly, pale eyes bright and fierce with emotion. “We had hoped to find someone to understand us, on our journey.”
Jasmine reacted without thinking, reaching out to stroke Hareret’s long hair. “Understanding is a hard thing to find. Most people search their whole lives and never find it – but that is no reason to give up. I am sorry to be party to waylaying your journey.”
“You understand!” Hareret said, the words bursting out. He moved restlessly, shifting up to his knees, bracing himself on the chaise, far closer than Jasmine really wanted him to be. “No one did back home! No one. But you do – I can see it in your face.”
Letting his hand move from the soft hair to the smooth skin of one cheek, Jasmine sighed. “Perhaps – but that doesn’t meant I’m what you’re looking for.” He let his hand falling away, knowing he never should have touched the dragon in the first place. “Trust me, I am most certainly not what you’re looking for.”
“How do you know you’re not?”
“How do you know I am?” Jasmine snapped, feeling like a child arguing so but unable to help it. An eighteen year old had no business sounding like he knew what he was talking about in such matters.
A stubborn look overtook Hareret’s face and realization dawned a moment too late, and Jasmine suddenly found himself with a lapful of dragon and a hot mouth taking his with entirely too much boldness. Unfortunately, it was immediately apparent that Hareret knew how to kiss.
Picturing the pretty dragon practicing kissing with his brother helped not at all.
Jasmine moved to shove the dragon off, but his traitorous hands instead simply pulled the troublemaker closer, smoothing over the warm scales, such a startling but so very fine contrast to the smooth skin of his stomach and chest. If dragons were immune to the harmful effects of fire, it must be because they were made of flames. Hareret’s mouth burned against his and Jasmine struggled not to make any sort of encouraging noise because he was not supposed to be kissing a dragon who was barely of age never mind indicating more would be acceptable.
Because it wouldn’t. Not at all.
A moan finally broke free as Hareret continued to prove just how fine a kisser he was, taking full possession of Jasmine’s mouth. When he finally forced himself to resist, Jasmine discovered only that the dragon was a great deal stronger than he looked.
Furious snarls broke the kiss, and Jasmine gasped for breath, shaking his head as he turned to see Tenasuli stalking toward them in a furious rage. Whatever Jasmine had been expecting – something involving himself receiving a great deal of pain seeming the likeliest – Hareret throwing himself at his angry brother and kissing him soundly was not on the list of possibilities.
Chanda was laughing as he joined them by the chaise. “All these kisses and none for me.” He sat down on the chaise and leaned over Jasmine, smirking briefly right before claiming his mouth, taking a slow, thorough kiss. Jasmine could feel the slight tingle that was the incubus feeding – lightly, though, as if nibbling at a small snack.
When they finally broke apart, Jasmine was not surprised to see Hareret sitting on Tenasuli, who wore an expression of petulant defeat.
“This is getting ridiculous,” Jasmine said. “For a group tired of being part of the flesh market, you’re being remarkably quick to get amorous.”
Chanda rolled his eyes. “I never once said I was disinterested in amorous relations.”
“They did!” Jasmine snapped. “Nor was I seeking them myself.”
“You’re getting close to saying unpleasant things again,” Chanda said slowly.
Jasmine sighed and dragged a hand down his face. “You three are here to help me protect Cherry until Mandrake says it is safe for him to return. I do not see where in there is room for the sorts of things they were snarling about not wanting to do! Never mind that this sort of thing hardly constitutes protecting Cherry.”
Tenasuli growled low. “Exactly.” He glared at his brother. “Stop it.”
“But Tena!” Hareret gave a low, agitated growl of his own. “He understands! And doesn’t he smell much better now?” He leaned down until their noses were touching. “Doesn’t he taste good?”
“You would turn us into flesh?” Tenasuli asked.
Hareret drew back and shook his head. “No, I would not. But he and Chanda are exactly what we are looking for, right? Can’t we give it a chance?”
“No!” Tenasuli snarled, finally throwing his brother off, breathing heavily with anger. “You are too quick to decide things, Hareret. I won’t let you have your way on this. It’s stupid and childish, not something an adult would do! Stop being so impulsive. If you hadn’t been before, we’d still be home and not stuck protecting strangers who mean nothing!” Tail lashing furiously, scales pitch black instead of opalescent and shining, Tenasuli turned and all but ran from the room.
On the floor, lying in an awkward heap from when he’d been thrown off, Hareret gave a low, mewling sound that made Jasmine ache. Slowly the dragon picked himself up, curling up with knees drawn to his chest, scales dull and flat, tail a dead weight on the floor. “He’s never said all that before.”
Chanda sighed softly and moved to the dragon’s side. “Well, pretty, you did rather force him to deal with an awful lot awfully fast. Are you always so quick to change your mind, to settle on things?”
“The Elders say I’m too impulsive for my own good,” Hareret said sadly. “But that’s why I have Tena. He’s never called me stupid and childish before.” He pulled away when Chanda tried to touch him. “I’m going to bed. Sorry to cause problems.” Not looking at anyone, tail dragging as he left, Hareret vanished into the nearest door.
Jasmine sighed. “Mature for their years, but still very obviously young.”
Chanda snorted and resumed his place on the edge of the chaise. “Hardly. You yelled at me in much the same fashion before.”
“I do not yell like an angry and frightened eighteen year old,” Jasmine snapped.
“If you say so,” Chanda said with a smirk, catching Jasmine’s arm before he could swing his cane at the bastard’s head. His levity faded. “Should one of us go find Tenasuli?”
Jasmine grunted. “I will go find him. See if you can’t do something about Hareret. I do not need sulking dragons on top of everything else.” Sighing, he slowly stood and made his way to the door.
“He probably went toward Cherry’s suite,” Chanda called after him, rattling off directions.
Nodding tersely, Jasmine left the room and made his way through the dark halls.
Following Chanda’s directions, he quickly came across the angry dragon exactly where Chanda said he would be – prowling the area in front of what was clearly the master suite. The wide double doors matched those that fronted the manor, right down to the tree carved into it.
“I think, Tenasuli, that you are the one who will be apologizing this time.”
Tenasuli growled.
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Date: 2007-04-01 04:00 pm (UTC)You should finish it, if only for the fact that you'll be leaving us hanging.
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Date: 2007-04-01 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 05:30 pm (UTC)But, yes, I really like the way the four balance each other out. Oo, and the idea that the twins were complete with each other and needed no other? That's just amazing. And now they can be complete with Jasmine and Chanda! *grin!*
Seriously, I like this. It's still a bit rough in places, but the overall idea is a good one that you're working well with. I wouldn't completely scrap this story. ^__^
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Date: 2007-04-01 05:30 pm (UTC)you can hand over the rest of the pretty foursome fic now.
I really like Chandra and Jasmine, though I snicker that Jasmine is named Jasmine. I like how there's a backstory as to why Jasmine's leg is injured and hope to find out by the end of the story.
I also think it's great that part of the reason Hareret is so comfortable with Jasmine is because Jasmine is similar in temperment to Tenasuli, and that Tenasuli and Jasmine also connect because of that. Also the bits of dragon culture you've thrown in is cool too. And I would like to know more about Mandrake and Cherry!
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Date: 2007-04-01 05:57 pm (UTC)I want to nag you to finish this. But I want you to finish several other things too! So, thank you for sharing this much and maybe one day...
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Date: 2007-04-01 06:56 pm (UTC)I liked it very much, really!
Date: 2007-04-01 06:58 pm (UTC)Rose Red
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Date: 2007-04-01 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-01 08:32 pm (UTC)BTW, I'm an almost constant lurker - while I've read most of your fics *even before discovering your lj) I'm horribly lax when it comes to commenting.
Threesome/foursome relationships are a guilty pleasure of mine, and right now you're thoroughly spoiling us with such wonderful writing, characterization and OMG - PLOT!
If I could do something to show how much I appreciate all the fabulous fic - a customised layout perhaps? Just holler XD
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Date: 2007-04-01 08:36 pm (UTC)Maybe if you played with it a little more it might help?
The one thing that seemed a little off to me was Hare jumping Jasmine. Unless the Dragons are really that sexual. Then it would be perfectly normal.
I like the characters though. They're really interesting and a good combination of personalities in a group. I'm curious as to how Jasmine and Tena would fit together since they both have the same stubborn temper.
It's not crap though. Nothing you write is. Foursomes are just difficult that way.
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Date: 2007-04-01 08:40 pm (UTC)I for one would like to have seen the scene with Mandrake and Jasmine where Jasmine is given his task to repay his debt. And maybe the interaction leading up to where Cherry marches out hurt and angry. We need the back story to flesh this from an interlude of 4 individuals to a plot. Cherry was just dropped in and through. Personally I'm thinking that Mandrake has put his brother somewhere safe as well. Why did Jasmine need the 'flesh' for his trip? What's happening back at the palace with Mandrake and how is he clearing this up for his 'friend' in a manner that Cherry couldn't have helped with? And don't I want to see that hit the fan when Cherry realises Mandrake has been 'protecting' him.
The problem with the quartet is that where Jasmine and Chanda are working well and Hareret has interacted with them,its still mainly a twosome of J and C. Tenasuli also needs to be bound into the 3some and you left it in a good place to start to do so. So bind.
How you are going to work around the twins needing to touch base with their culture and get declared adults and still be part of the quartet will be interesting.Is the plot going to spiral out to include the evil that is the "empire" that got the dragons captured in the first place?
Most of the interaction works between the twins but they're not bound really to each other like your other Twins and their Pretty. As always I don't want you to stop here. Breath. Work on something else for awhile and look at this again later. *hugs*
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Date: 2007-04-01 09:00 pm (UTC)(Yeah, there are points that are a little forced, but I think it's worth salvaging at some point when you have time.)
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Date: 2007-04-01 10:10 pm (UTC)So yeah, while I like it, I think there needs to be major seperate characterizations going on. Chanda and Jasmine, and the twins. Then put them together, because while I'm sure Chanda would love for it to just turn into a massive food fest, the result would have major flakes.
my take
Date: 2007-04-02 12:41 am (UTC)So's Cherry, even as little as is shown of him thus far.
Problems
The Plot: seems secondary. It would probably help if the plan was mentioned earilier and built along as they went. Just throwing it out in the second bit seems a bit abrupt and it reads like it's just and excuse to get the four together (which I realize it probably is, but still).
The Dragons: Are interesting in the second bit. I couldn't be bothered to remember which was which in the first, and it didn't seem to make much difference. They were largely over shadowed by Chandra.
Chanda: Again, better in the seond bit. All the personality he really had in the first was "Can't Rape the Willing." His fight with Jasmine was good, though.
To Summerize:
Second bit good, first rambles everywhere.
It's decent, but you've done much better.
Just some ideas...
Date: 2007-04-02 01:43 am (UTC)Conflict - where is the conflict in this piece? There is conflict in that Jasmine is carrying out this mission despite not wanting to. That carried the story for a while but kind of evaporated once the twins agreed to the mission and Cherry turned out to be a nice and cooperative guy. Jasmine doesn't really have to struggle with anyone to make his mission happen, that all falls into place easily. Leaving... what? I would have expected somebody to be jealous of somebody, but that doesn't seem to be happening. The mystery is at court with Jasmine's brother, not anything Jasmine can struggle with himself. There seemed to be something going on under the surface where Jasmine resents his brother's role in his leg getting injured, but we haven't heard anything about that. So perhaps the problem is that there isn't any conflict to make the story go.
How to fix this? An easy way is switch to someone else's viewpoint and develop their internal conflicts while adding a new external conflict. Tenasuli, and make him jealous/thinking over his history with his brother and their cultural problem, or perhaps Jasmine's brother might have a scrying glass through which he has been watching Cherry and now his brother as well as trying to solve the mystery.
Hope this helps!
- sunandshadow
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Date: 2007-04-02 04:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-02 04:45 am (UTC)The point made about the lack of conflict was a really good one. Additionally, I think there hasn't been enough relationship development. Jasmine buys these characters, and sets them free, and suddenly they're willing to help him and everyone wants to do him. Its just not that realistic. He should have a harder time with the twins, who present an interesting challenge in that they are introduced as vicious, uncontrolable characters who have the potential to be very rational and helpful and caring. Chandra is a little more realistic, in that there's an instictive urge that pushes him into Jasmine's bed, but the fact that they're having relationship issues right away, and instantly have a deep connection [especially Jasmine being upset that he's hurt Chandra's feelings] seems premature. Its just all falling into place too fast - Jasmine needs a trainer, and Chandra is right there and also willing to jump into bed with him.
It feels a little like you're rushing to get to the good parts, where everyone is sleeping together and working together. But my sense is that it would take a long time to get to that point of trust and mutual affection. What I would suggest as an easy way to get around this problem is to write the story as if the characters have known each other for some time, then do flashbacks that show how they met each other.
Anyway, my two cents. Hope you don't mind my looking into your work. I like the characters a lot, and I think there are some really interesting things here [like the characters that the twins are developing, and the fact that you're playing around with dominance and personality types in their relationship - its really interesting, and very fresh to see that you're not going with the cliche of quiet/meek vs stronger/dominant], so I would love to see how you can re-work the fic, should you decide to. Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck!
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Date: 2007-04-02 04:46 am (UTC)The point made about the lack of conflict was a really good one. Additionally, I think there hasn't been enough relationship development. Jasmine buys these characters, and sets them free, and suddenly they're willing to help him and everyone wants to do him. Its just not that realistic. He should have a harder time with the twins, who present an interesting challenge in that they are introduced as vicious, uncontrolable characters who have the potential to be very rational and helpful and caring. Chandra is a little more realistic, in that there's an instictive urge that pushes him into Jasmine's bed, but the fact that they're having relationship issues right away, and instantly have a deep connection [especially Jasmine being upset that he's hurt Chandra's feelings] seems premature. Its just all falling into place too fast - Jasmine needs a trainer, and Chandra is right there and also willing to jump into bed with him.
It feels a little like you're rushing to get to the good parts, where everyone is sleeping together and working together. But my sense is that it would take a long time to get to that point of trust and mutual affection. What I would suggest as an easy way to get around this problem is to write the story as if the characters have known each other for some time, then do flashbacks that show how they met each other.
Anyway, my two cents. Hope you don't mind my looking into your work. I like the characters a lot, and I think there are some really interesting things here [like the characters that the twins are developing, and the fact that you're playing around with dominance and personality types in their relationship - its really interesting, and very fresh to see that you're not going with the cliche of quiet/meek vs stronger/dominant], so I would love to see how you can re-work the fic, should you decide to. Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck!
~KD
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Date: 2007-04-02 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-02 06:09 am (UTC)Please post more, I am quite in love with this story.
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Date: 2007-04-02 08:01 am (UTC)The interaction and attraction between Chanda and Jasmine seems quite real to me; I can see it, and I can feel it. But the dragons really just seem like third (and fourth?) wheels to me. Or maybe just props there to further encourage the other two together.
Either way, I agree with your ultimate summation--especially with that last scene there--that you're forcing it.
Though that's not to say the story isn't still do-able the way you have it.
Hareret just needs to wise up and realize he and Tenasuli need Cherry not Jasmine.^_^Is that about what you expected me to say?
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Date: 2007-04-02 09:38 am (UTC)You're saying pretty much what I was feeling. I think I'm going to just slice the dragons out of this altogether and use them elsewhere. cause yeah I love J & C, but the dragons just do not work.
Thanks, Sip ^_^ I didn't mean to bother you.
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Date: 2007-04-02 09:12 am (UTC)Splitting the characters might be a good idea. Give them their own stories, and if you wanted to combine the two to connect them later on, you could. Kind of like... *waves* The dragons and their counterparts in DwtD. They've interacted some with Chris and Sable, but not enough to entirely depend on one another. If that made sense.
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Date: 2007-04-02 09:48 am (UTC)Anyway. I think you're being over-critical of your own work. I like the story, and I'd be really interested to see it continue. Of course, because I'm a total geek, what I liked most was the glimpse into dragon culture, and so I'm sort of wanting to know more about the ten master languages, and the arrangement of the Emporer's government, but amazingly well written foursomes mean that it's at the moment a very minor want.
I'd be very happy to read more.
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Date: 2007-04-03 01:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-03 01:52 am (UTC)*facepalm* I had no idea Jasmine was such a rip, though I guess I should have.
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Date: 2007-04-03 02:25 am (UTC)Half the time, I'm amazed that you or Nikerym or Tsai or Tygs don't just smack me for pilfering some of the things that I liked from your characters or your plotlinesYou made Jasmine completely your own. It's the leg thing that we're concentrating on. ;3no subject
Date: 2007-04-03 01:40 am (UTC)2) I'm totally in love with the premise.
3) I probably would not have paid all that much attention to how things were going if you hadn't pointed out what you felt was happening.
4) I'm totally in love with this and what you have here.
But you know, reading this with what you said in mind, I think I can say that what you have is a story that was originally planned to be a short one (one you could fit in two or three posts), but really has the background and the characters to be something of a Lost Gods or Prisoner or Sandstorm type length.
Whenever I think about writing polyamorous couplings, I always look at how you've done it because you make it work so freaking well, so just to be ironic, I'm gonna point out what I've learned from reading from you. XD Any time you've done twins, you usually immeadiately put forth that they're together and that they're used to being together and that they enjoy being together. You do that to a certain extent with these two, but we're seeing them apart far more than we're seeing their personalities together. Usually your twins are the sexual aggressors. Your Bangkok twins, the Darkness twins, the dragon twins, they all made the first physical overtures on the third member, inviting those third members in. And in this case, Chandra's kind of trumped the position of aggressor. ;3 Plus, these twins aren't of a similiar mind when inviting people into their relationship, which might be another reason it's hard going.
When you wrote Sandstorm, you first had partners coupling together before you brought them all together. They got together gradually, with the relationship between Shihab and Isra being established first (there was sexual tension between Sahayl and Isra first, granted, but Shihab and Isra were first shown to be the ones who were really tied to each other and knew each other) before you focused on Isra pairing with Sahayl while Shihab romanced Bahadur, and then you let Isra and Shihab's original relationship naturally pull the four of them back together. In this one, you're kind of thrusting the four of them together at once and then trying to established the fourway all at once.
And, with your dragon twins and with Harem Boys, you had one member who had that strong forceful kind of personality who pulled the rest of the members together and acted as the glue that kept them all together. It seems at times in this one, that Jasmine and Chandra are kind of fighting for that postion. Chandra wants them all to be together and to be together in a less than platonic way, while Jasmine wants to be the one to control what's happening and what's going on (not to mention he seems hung up on the twins being too young), and they're clashing.
I mean, not to say that these things need to be formulaic or anything, because I love seeing the diversity of personality and I rather do like that the twins are disagreeing with each other. But it does seem a little like too much is trying to happen all at the same time. And maybe before the four of them can be together, the twins need to do a little dividing and conquering. It might be easier to have Hare seduce Jasmine while Chandra is romancing Tena, and then letting the twins be the ones that draw the four of them together? Of course, you have Chandra and Jasmine together from the get go, so maybe that's where the dividing and conquering begins, but it might be easier if one twin sticks with one person before you try bringing the four of them together (maybe even with the intent to mend the rift that's developed between the twins?) instead of switching the twins back and forth between Jasmine and Chandra?
Either way, I loooooooooves this so much and I soooooo don't want you to give it up. *_________________* There is so much pretty and so much potential and I loooooooove the characters and I love their personalities.
And poor Cherry. ;______; I so want to know more about his relationship with Mandrake and what it is that's inspired Mandrake to these lengths. And Poor Mandrake, being so far away from where all the potential smexing is going on. ;_;
*flying tackle glomps* Don't give up on it yet? *puppy eyes*
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Date: 2007-04-03 01:51 am (UTC)Wow, well said indeed, Sky. You give me hope. I just finished telling Tygs I was probably going to have to ax the foursome idea altogether.
Thanks.
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Date: 2007-04-03 09:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-03 09:22 pm (UTC)I was thinking of the vizer with jasmines brother more than anything... :shrugs:
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Date: 2007-04-05 05:13 am (UTC)But go ahead and leave this story for a while, hopefully when you reread it, even if it sounds horrible, you'll still feel like working on it :P
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Date: 2007-10-09 04:29 am (UTC)