I don't know what's wrong with me

[maderr]

It isn't like me to be this upset for this long. I mean the one could thing about my moodiness is that for all that I tend to crash hard, I always bounce back up.

I'm not bouncing this time. It's sort of freaking me out. It took all I had just to come to work today, and I may bail yet - not a good sign when you miss your bus stop. I don't what straw finally broke the camel's back, but it broke it good.

I just wish it hadn't happened while Sammie was here; how much does it suck to have your sister go wiggie when you're on vacation? Still, she's probably the only reason I'm still with it at all.

Okay, music and work. Sorry to be a flake. I'll bounce back eventually.

*EDIT*

Okay, home again home again. But I did talk to my boss, and she says I'm doing great and that if she's nagging it's only because everything is constantly changing.

But I do think I need to get away for awhile. I already had three days off in April and I put in for the rest of that week off. If it doesn't put my parents out any, I think I may change my current plans and go stay with them for the week. If I really watch my pennies, I could probably swing a train ticket, which would leave me five or six days besides to just chill with the folks.

Okay, writing. I've whined enough, and I know I'll be back up eventually. I think a number of frustrations just crashd all at once, blowing each other out of proportion. It's like my sister said - I just need to find the bright spots. As *I've* said, I'm far too prone to whining. So no more from me. I'm going to read and sniffle a bit more, then crack down on some writing.

Which reminds me - I'm itching to work on my lulu.com project but I 1)Can't think of a title for my fairytale collections, which are going up first and F) I prefer html format to a more standard book format. Opinions?

Comments

[skylark97.livejournal.com]

*hugs* The best time to go wiggie is when you've got people there to support you. If work is getting to you that much (which to be honest, it kinda sounds like it is.) Maybe it's time to look for a new job? Seriously, money is nice, but peace of mind is way better. If this place is sucking out the will to live, it's time to move on. ;_;

*HUGS* Hang in there.

[chris-king-2005.livejournal.com]

*pets*

Maybe time to polish off the resume and start looking? Or, talk to the powers that be?

Are you coming down with the flu or anything?

[magnet-dragon.livejournal.com]

You need a vacation, clearly. To, like... Hawaii. :B With lots of books.

Or an easy button.

[audaxfemina.livejournal.com]

I think we could all use an Easy button... I'd be finished with my degree if I had one of those.

[yukon-jack.livejournal.com]

Good for you on the getting out of town, it'll help to be around the parents and away from your usual distractions. My only suggestion is to try not to worry about not bouncing back too quickly, for me at least that always makes my moodiness worse. Good wishes, regardless.

[mailechan.livejournal.com]

My opinion is that you should yodel me. You know my number. XP

I love riding by train. It gives me time to relax before arriving at my destination, and being with people again. Alone time, just by myself. Take the whole week! You deserve it.

[hayama-sb.livejournal.com]

On the feeling blah issue: If sex or anything of that nature would help, I'll voulenteer to help out in that dept, even if it's just shoving my face in your nekid crotch & probing around with my tongue.

On the lulu.com project: For a title "Maderr's Fucked Up Fairytales"

[kiyoshi-chan.livejournal.com]

*loves you* I think it's better that you "go wiggie" as you put it when you have someone around that you can break down to. (If you remember I broke down on filter to you sometime not too long ago...)

The world seems to love putting all sorts of bad things all at once, doesn't it? *patpatpat* Feel free to drop me an email or poke me through the cell phone lines or anything if you need me. Leaving me locked messages on LJ is okay too (you know I check every day).

Love you, and hope you feel better soon! *cuddles*

I hope you have better coping mechanisms than "shove them aside and ignore until they explode" though, because quite frankly those are kinda sucky. (I should know. =_=;;;;;)

Um, when you say you prefer html format to more standard book format, what do you mean, exactly? You know how I suck at titles, but I was thinking something along the lines of "Alternative Fairy-tales" or something? I don't know, my titles are kind of pathetic.

You probably don't talk enough.

[(Anonymous)]

Stress compounds no matter how much you want it to. Your tendency to "bounce back" is just a matter of you being able to Split your mind between the stress and the things you love to do. When it all adds up though, it gets harder and harder to deviate from the problem stimuli and you find yourself wallowing in the pit, not trying to resolve a situation, but rather waiting for the "bounce" to happen. This isn't problem solving in the least, but problem avoidance, which I'm sure you know is about as healthy as flag burning in Beijing.

Not saying you need counseling, but it's a good bet you need to talk about whatever is bothering you, and if indeed you are spending too much time splitting rather than resolving situations, then you could be in trouble in the long run.

Just my opinion at least . . . and I'm your ear if required.

-F.

Re: You probably don't talk enough.

[maderr.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Bro.

Re: You probably don't talk enough.

[raielchan.livejournal.com]

I agree.
A great deal of stress arises from burying something rather than confronting it head-on. I'd wager that a majority of stress comes from such situations. And of course, the compounded stress is often far worse than any actual confrontation would have been.
I know this all too well. In fact, I should probably be punched for repeating it. However, I'm working on it.

[thealisonbailey.livejournal.com]

It's winter, so I think everybody's got the blahs of some sorts, but if you think things are starting to get a little out of hand, by all means get in touch with someone about it. Whether you have to talk someone's ear off on the personal or professional level, do it now.

And don't worry so much about bouncing back. Time often gets warped when we look back, so maybe it has taken you this long before. And if you stressors and worriors are lasting longer than expected, take that into account as well.

I'm sure your sister doesn't mind helping you out in your hour of need. My sister and I get along very poorly, but if I were in this situation, I think even I'd be able to helpher through.

If you can take the extra days off, then by all means, do it. You deserve some me-time and some free-time. Take a break and make the most of it you can. Don't do anything stressful, just kick back and give your body and mind some time to reset themselves.

And don't worry so much about your writing! For better or for worse, I know that beating myself over the head repeatedly for past or current failures, missed deadlines, uncooperative plots, etc., etc. only makes me more stressed out and in an even more "oh god, I suck so much" mood.

Finally, since you seem to need it, 1) Once upon a time... Slashed Fairy Tales or something there abouts sounds fine to me. Keep it simple and telling. And, F) You kinda lost me, but my reaction to that is: all of this staring at the screens will one day rot our eyes out. And, I like being able to take the book with me, highlight and write in the margins, and flip to any page I want at anytime of day or night even when the power's out. The "hold it in you hands", true book will always be my most prefered format.

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know what else to say except the above ideas are pretty spot on and don't worry, everybody feels this way sometimes.

Can't think of any fairytale titles, sorry.

[nemo-the-nomad.livejournal.com]

Dude, kickass with the format that you want to do. If you feel better with html then do it. Don't let anyone else make you do something you don't want because they think it will look good. It's all up to you, and it's your fuckin' stories, so kickass and feel better! ;)

[indigoraven.livejournal.com]

Most of the time, I feel like an outsider to your life. Some voyeur who peeks in through the images left in your journal, hanging on to the tenuous thread of once upon a time in college... There are times I am so incredibly jealous of the people who were there with you to the end, got to walk up for that diploma with you. Sometimes I hate myself for not sticking it out.

But damnit, when you get down my first instinct is still to drop what I'm doing and find a way to fix it. Not an easy thing from several thousand miles away. If I am to be totally truthful, After Midnight is being written for you. You are my muse when it comes to the story, the single longest piece of writing I have even come close to completing. So, in the absence of the ability to offer a hug, (though I recall you being not much for those outside a few drinks) I return to writing the story.

By the way, the offer still stands if you can find the time to visit Washington.